The Words of the Neiland Family
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The Words of the Neiland Family |
When I received my mission country, my understanding about God's providence of restoration was not very comprehensive. I was unable to understand my country in a larger context. Therefore, I only focused on the spiritual aspects of life. I thought that we simply had to use the same method of street witnessing as we had in Germany, and that our family would develop just as the German family had. I had no clear concepts or plans. The only thing I could offer to God when I talked with Him about my desire to save the country was my strong will and my readiness to do everything.
I was the first missionary to arrive. During the three weeks I was alone, I had deeper experiences in my relationship to God than ever before. I truly sensed Him as my Parent. Sometimes I felt that He was stroking my hair or embracing me. When I struggled to feel closer to God, I often shed tears. I wanted to bring results to God as quickly as possible, but I disregarded the cultural differences and the language barrier. Even with my high ideals and strong inspiration, I brushed the rough edges of reality soon enough!
On the day I arrived, I set a one-week condition to go street witnessing from 8:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. I had jotted down some phrases from the Principle book translated into the language of my country, and with this I tried to contact the people. It took me a long time to muster up the courage to speak. Finally, standing before that first person, a woman, I did not know how to go on after I introduced myself. I wanted to say so much, and I desperately tried to find words. She simply could not understand me. She became impatient and went away. I did not give up, but I felt as if her rejection had spiritually amputated one of my limbs.
I am sure that to the people I looked quite the greenhorn, quite the tourist. The capital city is not very large and everybody notices newcomers. I felt that I was a strange element among them. At noontime, the sun became unbearably hot. The atmosphere was humid and heavy, and to top it off, the mosquitoes tried to bite wherever possible! Around one o'clock, I was all alone in the street. Everything was closed. I felt so lonely. I sat down on a bench near the river and pondered how I could make better contact with the people. After I started up again, I asked people to direct me to the post office, to a telephone, or to the embassy. This was a good idea. The people were always ready to help, so through this I could at least lay a foundation for relationships.
When I entered the main market, I was almost overwhelmed by the low spiritual atmosphere. So many poor and crippled people were begging. And many more poor people were trying to sell their meager supplies of vegetables or other wares. I almost lost myself among these people of different colors and ways of speaking. I thought, "How is it possible to restore all these people?" When I reflect upon the situation now, I can understand what a difference it makes if a country has a spiritual foundation or not. Those first weeks, the sensation that only God and I were in this country to accomplish restoration became more than real.
In the beginning, God sent some people who were like parents to me. They bought me my first food and even paid my room rent. I never felt this was because of me, but rather that through them, the spiritual world of the nation was welcoming God.
When I returned to my small rented room every evening, I always reported all my experiences to God. I was glad that at least in those moments I could speak with someone. Sometimes I tallied up the number of times I spoke every day. I gained a better understanding of mute people and could empathize with them. I became sensitive to the slightest smile, and I was hungry for even the smallest word someone might say in response to me. I saw how precious relationships were.
Since I could not speak to the people deeply about matters of heart, I started to pray that my brother missionaries would finally come. I remember promising God, "If my brothers come, I will do everything for them, and I will never quarrel with them'.' I promised so many things to God. When they finally did come, I felt as if I experienced something equivalent to a spiritual cold shower. Reality woke me up! Both God and Satan tested the sincerity of my promises.
Soon the American missionary's first spiritual son accepted the Principle and moved in with us. I had so much contact with him that I felt like his mother. I had this same feeling toward many of our first contacts. Even though they were not my own spiritual children, I cared for them so deeply that they became like my own. Our first spiritual son's ancestors caused him difficulties because they had been heavily involved in voodoo and other spiritual things. He often had moments of possession and very undisciplined behavior. I always tried to be very strict with him. Maybe sometimes I was too absolute. My brothers told me I should be more motherly. Since at first my two missionary brothers did not take care to educate him or assume the position of parent, I thought that at least I had to give him strict direction.
I felt it was enormously important for me to take our first spiritual son away from the hands of Satan. But in working to accomplish this, I often realized my inability as a mother. Even in my prayers I felt that I was blocked and that I faced an impenetrable wall within myself. I set fasting and prayer conditions. I knew that I could not face our son if I could not become a true mother. I often cried because I simply did not know how to go on.
When he felt too much pressure he became possessed and his whole personality changed in that moment. There were some impossible situations. One time he ate glass, and another time he fell from the second floor of the house.
Sometimes seeing Father's photo was enough of a condition for the spirits to leave him, but not always. I felt the impulse to fight for him as a mother would if somebody were trying to take away her child. Despite these things, I felt that God had sent him as a representative of this nation. I felt that if we could save him, we would symbolically solve all the problems of the nation. That is why I asked God in desperation what I should do as a mother.
I was simply ignorant about how to handle spiritual possession. Through an extreme situation I learned what to do. Once I was alone with him in the center. Suddenly he became possessed. His face started to change and he locked the door. Then he took an iron bar and said that he would beat me. There was no possibility for me to leave the room. I sat down on a chair, and praying internally I started to talk to him in a very calm way. After I started to pray, my mind suddenly became very tranquil. Soon the troublesome spirits left him. He was not conscious of what had happened.
The two of us set many conditions, and sometimes it seemed that he had overcome these problems. Then after some months, it happened again. He stole some money from us, and unfortunately he eventually left the family. After that, he broke into our center and stole several items. Then he contacted some other Christian groups, and from this a wave of persecution was initiated against us. These are things that really challenge the heart of a parent.
After that I was in a position to live with and serve one of our black members. During this time I often had the feeling that I was completely separated from God. Spiritual or mission work was no longer possible because I was so busy taking care of this person day and night. I often felt I did not have my own mind anymore. Sometimes I even tried to reverse dominion. At a certain point, I almost gave up. When I prayed, I could only cry, since I just did not know how and what I should change within myself. It was only gradually that I began to realize that I was restoring the position of slave. After I understood that I, as a white servant, was suffering the same treatment as the black servants or slaves had 300 years ago, I could bear the situation much more easily. During this time, something that helped very much was reading Father's words about the necessity for us to go through the positions of servant of servant, servant, adopted child, and true child before we can become true parents.
I realized then and understand even more deeply today that the heart of witnessing involves experiencing Father's suffering, but without losing the awareness of being God's child.
Did I expect some reward when I served someone? Did I have an underlying motive to "use" a person to benefit my own purposes? How much was I filled with enthusiasm through the Principle to really convey the heart of True Parents? Reflecting on these points, I felt that my activities in my mission country were quite superficial and that I was only seeking external results. I deeply repent for my attitude and ask for forgiveness from Heavenly Father.
I could not stay in my assigned country; therefore, I tried to meet refugees from my original country while I stayed in my "exile" country. I discovered that most of them had lost the political conviction they had had v, when they first went into exile. Many of them now dealt in drugs and women. Some engaged in smuggling and lived in secret. Others did physical labor in mines even though they were university graduates.
Most of them longed more for a passport than for spiritual growth. Some believed without a doubt that I was an agent who supported arms and finances for an anti-government movement from the West. Whenever I faced such realities, I was taken by the thought that it would be impossible to teach the Principle to those only concerned with external conditions; and as a result, at times I felt quite hopeless.
The refugees lived in such hapless circumstances, which I tried to help them out of, yet my helping them became a condition that Satan took. I realized how wrong I was in making such a condition. I supported people materially without giving them spiritual support through the Principle. I realized too that no matter how miserable their living conditions might be, they are the ones who have to set a standard for their lives by overcoming their circumstances and deciding to follow True Parents. They must believe in their own hearts that the Principle is true.
One profound experience I had involved an elderly man named Mr. Abu [not his real name]. He was a member of a minority tribe of my assigned country who was fighting against the government to gain independence. Mr. Abu, who was now in exile, had been taught by an American Baptist missionary in a theological seminary. He had traveled to England to study law and had been one of the most famous lawyers in the capital of my original country.
He had already retired because of his bad health. In fact, his illness kept him home most of the time. I visited him as many as three times a week. Often I spent my entire visit teaching the Principle to him. Sometimes he would explain the affairs of his government and the history of his country to me. Despite his infirmity he had a strong conviction that he could make changes in the government. Sometimes when he talked about his country's affairs he would become so emotional he would shake his fist. In all honesty I did not expect him to become more than a VOC member, especially because of his age. Now I realize that my attitude derived from my unprincipled action to "use" those to whom I witnessed.
Unfortunately, Mr. Abu's understanding of the Principle was almost totally intellectual. He knew the Bible very well. His heart did seem to be moved when he heard the Principle of Restoration; however, I felt that he could not understand True Parents' mission. I feel so repentful now because I rarely prayed for his salvation, and I only thought I might be able to witness to young people through him, since I felt he was so old he couldn't do much himself. I believe the reason God could still guide him was because he had an open heart and because we had a very close uncle-nephew type of relationship.
After I officially became a missionary to my exile country, I became so busy witnessing to the native people of that country that my weekly meetings with him were often interrupted and we met less and less frequently. Once when I visited him, I found him in such a weakened condition that he had to stay in bed. I finally began to become aware of how lonely and ill he was and how much he suffered because of this.
One day I visited his home as usual and we talked for a while. The maid who took care of him later told me that right after I left, he slipped into unconsciousness. I learned that because of excessive bleeding caused by his stomach ulcer, he had to be taken to the hospital for an operation to remove part of his stomach; and because of his age, he was in critical condition. I promptly took a taxi to the hospital. I usually had such a casual feeling when I met him, but at that moment, I realized how deeply I, or rather my original mind, was connected to him. When I saw him in his room, he was still unconscious. He did not know that I had come to see him. I felt so deeply sorry that tears flowed down my cheeks. His landlady, the person attending him at that time, told me that despite his delirium, he had asked at one point if I had come back.
When I visited Mr. Abu the next morning, he was conscious again and seemed to recognize me. He started to speak in a faltering voice. At first I could not grasp what he was saying, but I realized that he was trying to tell me about something he had experienced while unconscious.
He began to tell me that when he was on the brink of life and death, he went into the spirit world. He felt he was standing apart from the whole universe. The created world looked as if it were made of a yellowish jelly- like substance. Though he could not see the face of God, he could converse with Him. In fact, he said that he felt as if he were on God's back. Three people dressed in white clothing stood opposite him. They were three distinct people but spiritually seemed to be one. God was symbolized as an arrow. The same symbol was also above the three people. He saw that the shining person represented as three was Rev. Moon. He said he felt very close to him, as if Rev. Moon were his father. God said to him, "I have given this man authority to establish one order in the world. From this time, I will come to the earth and create one world Then Mr. Abu looked at Rev. Moon again but felt he was tens of thousands of light years away from him. He desperately tried to come close to him, but it was impossible because of the distance between them. He kept trying to do this, but gradually he returned to earth. He said that if Rev. Moon had not guided him back to the earth, he would have had no means to come back to the physical world. He told me over and over again, "Rev. Moon is really a warm person:'
Soon after this I called Japan regarding a different matter. I spoke to a church leader there about Mr. Abu. I told him that he was in critical condition. He encouraged me to quickly make a letter stating that Mr. Abu accepted Father and then have him sign it.
I knew that Mr. Abu's maid and landlady took turns attending him in his hospital room, so I would have to wait for the right moment to talk to him about it.
The next Sunday I prayed early in the morning at the holy ground. After my prayer, I felt it was the right time to visit Mr. Abu. It was around 7:00 a.m. when I arrived at the hospital, just as the nurses changed shifts; in fact, I arrived during the transition. Miraculously, no one was with him in his room. When he awoke, I urged him to accept Father and officially become a member of the Unification Church. He nodded his head eagerly. I brought a sheet of white wrapping paper and asked him to sign it. Just after he signed the paper, he recovered his health. Shortly after that he was released from the hospital and with support was able to walk again!
As I mentioned before, I took it for granted that because Mr. Abu was already quite old, I would never establish a relationship with him that went beyond the context of VOC. I could not see God's plan. I deeply regret this and repent for it. Father told us that we should not choose only the people that we think are prepared; rather we should let as many people as possible hear the Principle.
Whenever I visited him after that, he always mentioned his spiritual experience and asked me what kind of mission God would expect of him if he lived. I am not in the country right now, but I am planning to have him hear the Principle as soon as I return. I have such a new heart toward this man. He was once dead, but I feel that his second life is about to start.
Our brother Barnabe -- not his real name, the first native member of my mission country to live in the center, began to come to the center to study the Principle about one week after God's Day 1977. That year represented a new departure for all of the missionaries here. The first one-and-a-half years of the mission had been fraught with difficulties, and all of us were ready to "begin again:' Since this brother was the first to respond to our witnessing in that year, I told Heavenly Father that I was determined to do all I could to bring him to the Principle and the True Parents.
In one sense, it was easy because his apartment was less than 500 meters from the center. In this way I could visit him often; but what I wanted with all my heart was that he understand the true value of the Principle. Until that point, and even afterwards, many, many people had come and listened to our teaching but then had gone away again; we were searching hard to discover the reason why. I am sure that the reasons were internal ones, rather than external, but at the time I was able to see only the superficial causes. As a result, I decided that I must teach this brother in great detail, even though my French was far from perfect.
Fortunately, he turned out to be a person of quiet temperament and a very patient nature; he often came to the center very early in the morning and stayed until late at night, listening intently from chapter one through the conclusion. As I taught I realized more and more that despite my faltering French, the Principle was truly touching his heart, and the importance of the content stimulated many questions from him. I felt a glimmer of hope that a wonderful spiritual son was being born.
There followed many nights, weeks, and months of prayer, of visiting, of teaching, and of explaining and answering questions before Barnabe became our first center member. But it was truly worth every effort. Although it was difficult for us, he also did not have an easy time of things, because he was the first citizen of his country to pioneer membership in the Unification Church; and we demanded a very high standard from him. In retrospect, I realize that the standard we demanded must have been too much of a change for him, too much of a shock from his previous way of life.
Because of his quiet nature, it was difficult for him to express his true feelings. Even though he did not express much, I could always feel his heart and intuit what he was feeling and thinking. This was the first time in my church life, and in my entire life, that I had such intense feelings of a mother's heart. I had prayed many times before to break through the barriers that prevented me from experiencing a parental heart, but Barnabe was the first spiritual child that opened up the flow of real give and take.
I often felt tremendous concern and anxiety for him; I wanted him so desperately to become better and better, and I prayed that he would never abandon his life of faith. Yet I also knew that he confronted numerous internal difficulties and challenges, and my heart ached because I was unable to understand more myself, and also because I was unable to give more guidance and love.
Barnabe studied very methodically and learned to teach the Principle clearly and exactly, in much better French than mine. When a child is able to exceed the accomplishments of the parent, the joy that parent feels is very real and deep. I can imagine the intense feeling that must exist between Heavenly Father and our True Father: I know that the heart, the determination, and the victories of our True Father have amazed, warmed, and comforted the heart of God so many times. I tasted that kind of warmth and comfort when I saw how well Barnabe could teach. I was so happy when I saw what exceptional effort he made to pioneer in the area of witnessing, especially street witnessing. It was a true battle for him to overcome the natural timidity of his character, but he tried very hard.
However, approximately one year after he moved into the center, Satan strongly attacked our small family. Family problems and personal problems seemed to strike Barnabe from all sides. When he tried to make a determination to overcome in one area, another difficulty would arise. Although I could see and feel what was happening, I was unable to guide him wisely because I myself was not very confident. I made several conditions -- cold showers, prayer, walking long distances -- to assist Barnabe, but in reflecting back, I did not succeed in guiding him to make similar conditions and work to separate from Satan himself. I approached the difficulties he was having on too much of an intellectual level, when the cause was actually a spiritual one.
One morning I found a note from Barnabe saying that he felt unable to go on and that, temporarily at least, he would have to live outside the center. I experienced deep pain and desperation such as God must have felt at the fall: "My Adam, where are you? It is just not possible that you want to leave; the difficulties can be worked out if only you stay and persevere" Each time I prayed, my heart cried out, and tears flowed without ceasing. Until that point, I had not experienced or been able to imagine what Heavenly Father's grief must have been like at the departure of Adam and Eve. Not possible!...yet, it was so. Adam had left his Father. Eve had become the daughter of Satan.
Those 10 days, from the time Barnabe left the note until he moved out, were so long, so heavy, so difficult to understand. Nothing more could be said. All I could concentrate on was prayer and soul-searching: what and how and where we went wrong.
Barnabe is now an associate member, and not very active. He never did deny the Principle or our True Parents, so I retain the hope that he will come back. I feel confident that because so much indemnity has been paid for this brother, especially through his own sincere heart and great effort, he will be able to return to the church very soon. He is an eternal spiritual son: a mother, a parent, can never forget, no matter what. Through him, I learned so deeply about the profound, secret, and sad heart of our Heavenly Father. Thank you, mon frere.