40 Years in America
The Love of the Second Generation
In June 1986 I became a staff member on the ICC seminars to Japan and Korea. Just before I came on the staff, I had reached a point of real dryness in my life. I was feeling that my love channel was cut off, that I was just going through the motions in my work. When I got the mission to come to Japan and Korea, I thought, "Okay, another new mission. I will try to do my best." But when I came to the Orient, everything exploded like a bomb, and I started to feel a tremendous need for inner healing, as if I were a little baby. This is no doubt fitting, because providentially America is in the childís position, and Japan and Korea are in the parentsí position. I felt like I was coming home to my mother and father.
Externally my mission was to be the leader of the ICC seminars, but internally I felt as if I were a little baby lying on the floor, completely helpless. In front of those 200 ministers I appeared fine and took care of everything very well, but then I would go back to my room and fall apart.
After four months of leading these conferences, I finally realized clearly that God wanted to heal a lot of things inside of me. He wanted my heart to become as big as my mission. When you get to be over 40 years old, you start to think differently than when you were 20 or 30. You think, "Well, I have this mission and these responsibilities, but what about my inner self, my internal status?" I started to think that I would rather be a sincere, loving dishwasher than an insincere president.
Not long after that, the ICC staff members started having experiences with Heung Jin Nim. Since that time, my life has completely changed. I realized that my love or my effort alone was not enough to solve the problems I was having in my marriage, my mission and in my life. I want to give tremendous credit to Heung Jin Nim for helping me so profoundly to resolve these very deep questions in my heart and experience what love really is.
The first night I had an experience with Heung Jin Nim I was in Korea. He was speaking through a medium in the hotel room of another director of the ICC, and I was invited to join the people in that room. The minute I came in and sat down on the bed, Heung Jin Nim said to me, "You have such a beautiful family." And he literally embraced me. Of course, Heung Jin Nim is not physical, but I felt his deep, close personal embrace. I was so shocked that I burst out in tears, because I could feel the reality of that love so close to me. Through this experience I could genuinely feel that God loves me! And also that God knows me! He knows everything about my life down to the finest detail. That is true love.
Through Heung Jin Nim I believe God wants to liberate all the pain and hurt we have carried with us -- our lack of confidence and our failure to really know that "God loves me." God wants to liberate all these things from our hearts so that we can go forward, because as long as we keep those feelings of hurt or lack of love inside us, we harbor such a low opinion of ourselves. It is unfortunately very true that if you cannot love yourself, you cannot love True Parents, and you cannot love God. Particularly in the last few months I have been realizing how much Heung Jin Nim has achieved. He is called "Lord Heung Jin Nim" in the spirit world, but at the same time, he is a close brother to me, like the closest friend I have. Through my relationship with him, I am starting to learn how to love my True Parents for the first time, and also how to love my wife and my brothers and sisters more deeply. Love carries us beyond position and beyond institutional structure. It melts everything and everyone down into one.
I have gone past my 40th year now, and I can testify that the heart is everything. Not position, not organization, but heart. Of course we need organization. But without hearts that are open and able to be shared, that organization becomes very cold.
It is not really the spiritual world that we are talking about; it is the true heart of one brother who is very real and who sacrificed his life for True Parents and us. I donít believe these experiences of love should just end with Heung Jin Nim. I think he wants us to develop that depth of love for each other. Heart is everything.
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