I am an educator and I work with children a lot. I do a lot of second generation workshops. I won't go into the woes of the Fefferman's eldest daughter. But I understand first hand some of what True Parent's family has gone through. I gave my best to God and True Parents, and sacrificed my best too, but naively. I didn't see the weakness that allowed my beloved, eldest daughter to get off track.

Someone told me that Father has said he considers himself a failure as a parent. While he was failing as a parent he was investing in me his very best. I felt loved, I felt beloved. I had no doubt that True Parents loved me dearly. I received what the True Children didn't. I know this for a fact. My personal relationship with True Parents kept me alive when my fallen nature and weaknesses could have consumed me and killed me. I owe too much to True Parents. They felt they had to do what they did. They, like me, thought that these wonderful children would somehow understand, and would somehow make it despite being sacrificed because they were conceived with God.

Every day I weep for the mistakes I made, many I just don't know what they are or if they were the reason. I know True Parents go through the same heartache each day. But somehow they have this wonderful love for God that tells them that in the end if God is liberated everything else will fall in place and everyone will eventually be healed. They have to start with God. I wish my love of God was as strong as theirs, then I wouldn't be so depressed and disappointed with myself so much. I'm working on it now. I don't blame True Parents for any of the stuff they did or will do. I know that when Jesus was alive they said terrible things about him and accused him of all kinds of junk. Yet what remains today are only his beautiful, transforming words. What will remain of True Parents when they are gone. Not only their beautiful, transforming words but also a tradition that is transforming human existence that will give us an even greater chance of life, love, etc. than our beloved Jesus did.

Am I disappointed with the True Family's situation? Yes. But more importantly I am so sad that True Parents and the True Children had to experience such pain, such disappointment. I am so small in my offering, and I wish I had been more together so perhaps I could have helped them more. Why? Because they are just like me they just want to be happy, but the children didn't understand how to be happy while making God happy first. I understand what the children went through somewhat, I can't say I really understand why they did some of the things they did, but then I really can't understand why I did some of the things I did, and why I didn't do whatever was necessary to save my own daughter or the True Children. The whole business makes me feel so sorry for them all. My hope is that one-day they can be healed and reunited, just like I hope that for my family.

My imperfection is such an obstacle and a burden to deeply understanding someone's heart but I don't hold it against anyone but myself. I know Father has said he doesn't want us to go through what he has with his kids. He encourages us to take better care than he could. I'm trying to do better now, and be wiser because I think Father and Mother's heart have enough burden to carry, if they know that my children didn't make it either then they will feel more burdened, and later the True Children will feel a burden too if they think that they weren't good examples. I don't want anyone to suffer for any reason, so I'm trying to lessen the pain beginning with God on down. I certainly can't blame anyone when I haven't done enough.

For me, I know who Father is, clearly. I tasted true love. I was transformed by true love. I was finally given hope through true love. My soul stopped its sorrowful search and was filled and I knew it was right. I am alive now because of true love. He is the man who liberated my heart and gave me God and awoke me to who I should and could really be and showed me what my purpose in life is. I can never repay him- them for that. As a woman I can see my fulfillment for the first time without the anger and resentment I had trying to deal with the garbage of the fallen world. I owe them big time. But somehow being in debt to True Parents isn't so bad if I can contribute to bringing true love to this world. For this gift I will be eternally grateful.

God Bless, Susan

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