The Words of the Hoffmann Family
1st and 2nd condition FR - STF Europe
February 1, 2006
When I look back, these past 2 months Iíve been on STF, there were many mountains, hills and valleys.
When I think about my first year on STF, I was struggling a lot because I was so busy with my own growth, I wanted just to receive and receive. I could experience Godís love just in a childish, I guess.
When I returned to STF, I actually had this mindset to become more stable and strong through understanding Godís heart more so that I could work on relationship to God, as well. Then (I could not understand why) I was put in a Canadian team where I was the only other 2nd year besides my team leader, Miken. I really had to be a team assistant and an old "wise" sister, as well.
I struggled a lot and was also a bit resentful in the beginning because I still had the mindset from last year that I wanted to focus on my own growth through FR and people, etc. Suddenly I was put into a situation where I always had to be positive, inspired, caring and supportive as much as I could. There was a lot of pressure of being and example, that I pushed myself a lot. I easily faked my limitation of giving and caringÖthan I suddenly understood where the point was. I suffered because I saw my responsibility just as a duty. Without any joy, happiness and heart, it was just tiring. Especially when people judged me as a happy , never depressed or angry person. From that realization on I had to throw away all my concepts and mindset of my being on STF. I started to see my position, as a God given gift, his trust in me. Then I began to give joyfully. Whenever I could see I helped the team members or I could support my team leader I felt such a great joy and gratitude, because I could put my heart into it. The amazing thing was, whenever I invested to give, I could receive as well. Even though I thought nothing comes back but something always came back sooner or later. When I went FR it wasnít for myself but for the team and fro my pair. Iím still working on my relationship to God, it isnít always easy for me to pray but it was the only time that I felt connected to God. Whenever I prayed for my team and partner during the FR runs, my heart was growingÖ
God put me into the next level of growth where I should concentrate on others, not on myself so that I can become more mature.
Last year, I could grow through people I met during FR runs and experiences. In this condition I could grow through my team, through team membersí sincerity and love, through my team leaderís trust in me. Whenever I thought Iím alone God always showed his love through the team. And itís true that sometimes I felt lonely in my position but then I again could understand TP more. I always thought about their position. Iím really grateful for this condition. I want to become a round person like God. I want to be ready to take challenges and responsibility depending on my overcoming all challenges Iím going to face so that I also finally can come closer to God. Next condition I want to serve the team totally.
As a second year I cannot be childish but have to be more mature and so I now see Iím in the right place at the right moment. Thank you God and TPs for this great opportunity!
I came to STF because I wanted to be good and because I felt this is what Iíd feel good doing. And I felt that doing STF is what would be being a good girl to my parents, TPs, my church family and I guess to God, to be honest and to put it simply. My yearly goal is to grow a stable heart that both God and I can count on and to humble myself. My ultimate STF goal is therefore to find God and come close to him and also through this fulfill my two goals above. My condition goal was to articulate all my prayers. A goal I could relate to and work on each day. Miken asked me who I pray to always if I have so much trouble with the concept of God. I talk, or rather analyze myself, I guess. When I believe I say I talk to my original mind and discuss my deeds, thoughts and attitudes from its perspective. I know that through my original mind I can connect to Heavenly Father, because that is him in me.
My relationship with God and TPs could develop immensely. Since I was in CP two years ago I realized that I lost my childish naïve relationship with Heavenly Father, and have been having a lot of trouble relating to him since then. But it was only on the plane, coming to Vancouver, talking with Seong Bong, that I realized I didnít love neither God nor TPs really. As he expressed it, I was brainwashed by my environment into believing and saying I love them.
When listening to my desperate struggles to connect and clear up my blocks of doubt, Miken always emphasized how living for the sake of others is the only way to really grow our hearts and the only way I can stop myself feeling ugly, dark and selfish. Through doing for others I pray I can come closer to understanding TPs heart better and through that, Godís heart too. I knew I must start from scratch, not expect myself to believe, but just follow my conscience. And be honest with myself, even if it means admitting I havenít invested enough or that I donít feel progress, but not letting that discourage me.
My family horizontally, I canít yet relate very well with Miken or Lucas, only when weíre one on one, or when vertically sharing with Miken, which is simply excellent and one of the best things thatís ever happened to me. And whenever my fallen natures do come out through feeling judgment towards others I know itís just reflecting my own faults. And whenever I realize this it spurs me on to develop myself. I think the only reason I didnít Cain out was because my team was so good and I loved and respected them so much, I want to become like each of them. I adore my family. When I couldnít relate to god, TPs, or anything else, I still could always see my family working hard, pushing themselves and could go on simply because I so wanted to become like them. Iím so happy and grateful for STF, for being here and for my Canadian family. And for being able to occasionally play the violin.
In FR I generally experienced a lot of love from the people, was deeply moved by the general generosity of people. And through rejections Iím trying to come to understand my parents, TPs and HFís heart whenever I reject to follow my conscience. But I need more of it.
I determine to practice living for the sake of others in the next condition. To see that whenever I do something for others Iím doing it for TPs, for God, for Jesus, etc., and through that clear the path to my original mind, to be able to love God and TPs. And keep up my constant, articulating reporting. Thank you everyone so much. Iím starting to resurrect finally, only birth is painful and we have to cry, otherwise, weíre dead.
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