What does my marriage have to do with Foundation Day?

Debby Gullery
January 2012
Director of Counseling, HSA-UWC Blessed Family Team

As Foundation Day draws near, many couples have been looking for ways to internally prepare. There have been suggestions from our Unification Church pastors, and sermons, emails and tweets about all the things we should and could do to prepare. These recommendations have been quite helpful, as I, too, have looked within to evaluate where I'm at and where I'd like to be as we approach this special day.

As a marriage educator and member of the Blessed Family Team, I think I may have a unique vantage point and some recommendations you may not have thought of yet. Add them to what's already in your heart and mind, and use them if they seem useful or valuable as you end your journey towards Foundation Day.

When I teach, I often describe the Unification Church tradition of the Holy Marriage Blessing as the spiritual path for Unificationists. As the old adage goes, "We can think we are as spiritual as we want when we are alone on the mountaintop, but it is in relationships that we see how spiritual and loving we really are."

In the past, Father Moon used to tell us that our spouses were our "second messiahs", and our children were our "third messiahs". My understanding of this description was that Father Moon was explaining to us that these special relationships with our spouses and children are where most of our important growing occurs. It is precisely where our egos and our hearts are confronted on a daily basis.

Many of us find it easier to love the world than to love our families, because we can love the world on our own terms -- when it's convenient. But to love our kids when they won't stop crying, or our spouse when we don't see eye to eye, is often a lot harder, especially since we can't escape them! So even when our colleagues and friends think we're wonderful, our spouse is the one person besides ourselves who really knows how impatient we can be with our kids, and how immature and mean-spirited our marital spats can get. If we can look at our marriage as central to our spiritual path, then it becomes our personal laboratory for character development. And we all know that character is essential to building good marriages!

Thank God for family! It was created to be the place where we derive the most joy and also the best opportunities for growth. Here's an example of how this can happen. Instead of asking ourselves, "Why does my spouse do that to me?" we can ask instead, "What can I learn about myself in this situation?" or "If I am truly trying to live as a well-rounded and centered person, from my deepest core beliefs, how could/should I react to what my spouse is saying or doing right now?" See the difference?

Asking the right questions can help us to see what we can do or say differently in every situation. These questions can point us to areas where we can change our actions and reactions. This is where we can really take spiritual responsibility.

This is also where we can experiment with overcoming our own baggage and limitations. We can shift our focus from blaming our spouse for things that are annoying or painful, to noticing what we are contributing to our interactions. This is a huge shift! And ultimately, this is where genuine change occurs. When we begin to notice what we are doing and not doing, we can begin to make small, measurable goals towards our own improvement and growth. This naturally spills over into our primary relationships. If my spouse says something that is hurtful to me, I can choose how I respond to it. Well-known author Stephen Covey uses the analogy of the pause button. He says that between every stimulus and response is a pause button. If we practice using it, if we think before we speak or act, we can change our responses and alter our interactions for the better.

Blaming someone is often our gut reaction to pain and disappointment. A more spiritual response requires thought and intention. Intentionality is essential to every kind of growth, as is making good goals. As we practice making conscious decisions and smart goals, we can begin to measure our growth and notice our progress.

We might focus our attention on the way we speak to our spouse, for instance; but instead of making a goal to "never say anything mean to my spouse this week," which may be too big and too vague to allow for success -- we could break it down in ways that can help us to be successful. We can make a goal that is specific, realistic, measurable, and has a beginning and an end.

For example, we could decide to say something complimentary, once a day for seven days; such as, "I will try to use the pause button three times this week when I get annoyed or angry with my spouse." If we succeed, then we can build on that and make another goal that is slightly more challenging. We can encourage each other to make practical goals to improve our relationship, and really work on the aspects of our character that need improvement.

We all seem to have the same tendency -- we choose to do that which we are comfortable and familiar with, but we tend to ignore the stuff that really needs working on! I think we benefit most when we choose to work on our character, our hearts and our capacity to love. One simple way we can all measure our maturity is by looking at the quality of our important relationships. If we serve others, but neglect our spouses, how does that inspire God? God created us to experience true love, and we need to intentionally strengthen our capacity to give and receive.

Our marriages are a gift from God, and we are meant to creatively build and grow them throughout our lives. Marriage education research proves that most failed marriages are due to neglect. We don't fall out of love, we merely stop investing in our relationships. As people of faith, it is easy to put providential and spiritual things ahead of our marriages. That's exactly why I like to describe marriage as our spiritual path -- so that we can remember that our marriages are vitally connected to our spiritual growth. They actually hold the central place in our faith. They are precisely where our Heavenly Parent wants to dwell -- in the relationship between a husband and wife who love each other!

So perhaps we can add "enriching our marriages" to our list of things to work on in preparation for Foundation Day. Let's take the time to talk together about how we want our marriages to look and feel from now on; let's learn each other's Love Languages and use them! Let's vow to invest in our marriages, to confront our challenges of heart and character and make our marriages stronger, healthier and full of love; let's work as hard on our marriages as we do at all of our other spiritual endeavors. Let's walk together into Foundation Day with confidence, with love and with our beloved spouses at our sides!