The Words of the Gullery Family

Frustrated and in Love

Debby Gullery
October 2010
Blessed Family Department of HSA-UWC

Dear Debby,

I was matched and Blessed in marriage by True Father five years ago. I guess because we were extremely immature and unprepared when we first got Blessed, I made a lot of mistakes. Our Blessing has come to its breaking point more than once.

Now, after more than five years, I know I love my husband and no longer have mixed feelings about being with him. I also know he loves me and wants to be with me.

However, over the course of our relationship, we lost touch with the values we were raised with and started getting into bad habits like drinking, smoking and "partying." And because of all the mistakes we made and how much we hurt each other, we haven't ever made a real commitment. I feel like we're still just two individuals. We never got legally married nor do we live together yet.

Although I don't want to push him into something he isn't ready for, nor do I want a relationship that feels forced, I am frustrated because I feel as if, despite our love for one another, we have never truly united and we have different values. (I want to stop the partying and drinking, etc. He doesn't see anything wrong with it.)

I know that we love each other and that gives me strength and enough reason to continue to work on this relationship. But I want us to grow and move towards lasting commitment. I don't want to have a boyfriend- girlfriend type of relationship forever.

Do you have any insights or advice? Am I looking at this the wrong way somehow? Are there any concrete actions or steps we can take to start (re)building a relationship that is committed and based on good values?

Frustrated and in Love

Dear Frustrated and in Love,

First of all, kudos for staying together for five years and growing in love! That takes a lot of effort. But it seems like the two of you might need to make a new start! Rituals can be very helpful to deepen and mark the significance of a new start. And if you create them together, they are even more powerful. So I have a few suggestions for you. Since you haven't gotten legally married yet, I think that would be a good place to begin. How about getting married and having a party to celebrate afterwards? You could even write a new pledge together to recite in front of friends and family to "seal the deal."

Writing a pledge together can be a special opportunity for your couple to look at what really matters to you again. It gives you a chance to re-visit your core beliefs, and to talk about the way you want to move into the future together.

As a matter of fact, I like to suggest that couples write a marriage mission statement. Spend some time discussing what you would like your marriage to look like, to feel like, and to grow into. Brainstorm about steps you could take to get there. Find ways to honor your differences and strengthen the areas you have in common.

Ask yourselves and each other some of the important questions: Can we attend weekly church services? Shall we study together in the mornings or the evenings? How can we support each other in our career goals? What about children? If you need help navigating any of these topics, especially those of faith and spiritual practice, enlist the help of a mentor or church elder. Sometimes having an impartial perspective can provide clarity and insight.

Make certain you lay out your game plan in practical, attainable goals. Think about what you can do now, and where you would like to be in five years. Working together as a team develops ownership and mutual support. You are making a new start as a couple, and guess what? God will want to be right there in the middle!

One couple I know chose to create and celebrate what they called an "I do -- Re-do" ceremony. After five years of being blessed, they felt that they had grown into a deeper, more mature understanding of their original commitment, and wanted to express that publicly with those they loved.

Depending on your situations, you might want to start talking about moving in together. Preparing for that next stage in your marriage can be exciting and important. It's an opportunity for both internal and external growth. For example, living together requires practicing skills such as negotiation, patience, and deferred gratification. Additionally, developing a financial plan together strengthens your sense of "we're in this together."

Just remember, love is a decision you make daily, and marriage is your spiritual path. It's the place where you both will grow the most, and the place where you will experience the most joy! It's the place where God most wants to live.

So, get married, develop a personal pledge, create a mission statement and celebrate your commitment and love with family and friends! Makes plans to start living together and remember you are a team, so act like one! Cover each other's back and hold each other's heart, carefully and lovingly.

Good luck!

Debby 

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