The Words of David and Taco Hose
Unofficial Notes on a Blessed Family Seminar
David and Tako Hose
February 5, 1994
Topics to Be Covered
Improving the relationship between husband and wife
Parenting skills from a Principle perspective
Tribal Activities vs Church Activities
Goals for 1994
How to improve relationship with God, True Parents
Improving the Relationship Between Husband and Wife
In 1985, while Father was in Danbury and Mother was in charge, Tako Hose was asked to guide a 120 day workshop to missionaries. She received alot of inspiration on how to help them, many of whom were "wounded souls."
Betsy Jones gave some very good talks on "How to remove the 'static' in husband-wife communication." Static is caused by when communication does not flow, but rather 'statement-defense'. Outside counselor's suggestion was a daily 5 minute 'empathetic listening.' Each spouse talks about how they are feeling or how the other treated them for 5 minutes. No defending comments, but rather comments of understanding, are allowed. Also, practice role-reversal.
Avoid complaining phrases such as "you never..." or "you always...". These phrases, intended to emphasize a person's feelings, actually deny the other person's total historical effort. Also, never, never use the word "divorce".
Avoid controversial conversations when either spouse is tired or under stress.
Why is it more difficult to listen to our spouse in comparison to someone else. Perhaps it is because we know each other so well, and maybe been hurt by each other, that we unconsciously put ourselves in a 'defensive' position.
Create personal time together. Make the time special and distinct.
On a daily basis, recognize, appreciate, and express gratitude for the role, responsibility, and burden the other spouse in the family relationship carries. Michiko works much harder than I each day in taking care of 4 children plus all the home-care responsibilities.
Learn to listen and accept the comments and opinions of your spouse.
Isolate the emotionally-loaded words or phrases. A phrase used by one may cause an unintended emotional reaction in the spouse.
Anger is the root of many problems. Not only does it hurt the spouse, but also it influences the children. They learn from us to react to situations in anger. We have to learn to recognize the cause of our own anger and deal with it, rather than disbursing that anger to someone else.
Developing Greater Commitment to Each Other
This period is seeing the development of the feminine character in society and in our church. Our church movement has been strongly masculine-oriented. Rather than asking "Who are you?" the question was often "What is your mission?" The concept of "Have you developed your listening skills recently?" was almost mocked.
Male relationships is one thing, but the husband-wife relationship is the family. Which relationship is more important and fundamental?
If we travel away from our family, we may feel lonely and separate. But if we travel with our family we are at home wherever we are.
If a man identifies himself through his mission then his identity may be shallow and external. What will happen if he loses his mission or his mission changes? On the other hand, a man who identifies himself through his family has greater depth and internal value. The family is fundamental to our relationship with God.
No matter what leadership position a person may be, when they come home all external poses are removed and they are a husband and father.
From a video-tape series Tako reviewed, woman is more right-brain oriented, intuition, emotional, and creative. The man is more left-brain oriented, practical, analytical, and pragmatic.
Our whole church life is mission oriented, "What is your mission?", "What is your accomplishment?" She had experience at Washington DC center as wife of David Hose. The center leader was told to support her and her family. He resented this financial drain on the center to someone who "Was not contributing to the accomplishment of the center." She was working so hard taking care of her family, 3 babies, shopping, etc. but not receiving any appreciation or recognition. In her prayers, God reminded her of her inalienable divinity and not to ever forget it.
I realize that the person that I am blessed to is much greater than I deserve. In high school I was rather of a social outcast, never had girlfriend or went to a party. So I know seriously that Michiko is much better a person than I could have found on my own. In fact, if I seriously contemplate the matter I have to admit that the person I am blessed to is much greater than I deserve.
Rev. Kwak testified that Father and Mother have mastered the ability to express love for each other in the public responsibility of caring for others. Even while Father is talking to others he will touch, caress, or in someway communicate his love for Mother, and she will do the same.
At the same time, in the early years of their family life Father pushed ruthlessly Mother. He did this knowing that Mother had nowhere else to turn except God. And by turning to God, Mother would discovered how much she is loved by God always. In the future, Father will be gone and Mother will need the strength to carry on by herself. This early time was actually a loving training time by Father for Mother.
Make quality time for each other, even at the end of each day. Create a family tradition of praying together. First talk to each other, then pray together. Going to God together in prayer while at the same time being disunited in kind of hypocritical.
This does not mean that if you have some kind of disagreement you should not come to God together to solve it. In a disagreement she and David had God expressed his strong desire to get involved in the discussion and to solve the problem, "You cannot solve your problem without me!"
The world is filled with lonely children. This loneliness and lovelessness can only be filled through God.
Our first object is always God. Our second object is our spouse. We cannot replace our first object with our second object. Our spouse can never replace God.
He grew up without a father. So throughout his life he projected that need for a father to different people, his brother, leader, True Father, God. But at different times he was disappointed and became angry with them. After their family's accident, in deep and sincere prayer, David heard from God "I am not the God you were angry at before. The God you were angry at was created out of your own perception. Please don't confuse me with that perception."
Father pushed Mother ruthlessly with the intent of driving her towards God. But Mother had the choice to either become the True Mother by uniting God, or becoming the supreme satanic Eve by complaining and viewing herself and the most abused woman and wife.
"Is God waiting for us to be worthy to talk to him in prayer?" "Does God love us more when we make $300 fundraising than when we make only $100."
"Strongly realize the Parent-Child relationship we have with God. Of course, God is concerned about China, but if a child comes in crying to the room do you think God only wants to hear about China or do you think God wants to know what personal problem is bothering the child."
Counseling (Can Unification Church members receive 'professional' counseling from outside persons?)
Outside counselors can be very non-judgmental, and since they are outside the church rumors may not be started.
An outside counselor gives the opportunity for the free expression of each person's opinion and feeling.
Had a very lonely and difficult experience with an outside counselor and their decision to send their child to Korea. Felt they couldn't open up and express their inner feelings to a person outside the church.
Went to a counselor, Robert Kromyer, in 1983. David had a strong rage to his mother which was being manifested in his relationship with Tako. The six-month counseling was very liberating and helped him overcome alot. On the other hand, many members went to Mr. Kromyer with horror stories which caused him to develop a very negative view about the church. So both good and bad results occurred.
She has been a counselor for many, many years and helped hundreds of people. But she has realized that in some extreme circumstances outside counseling is required.
It is also important that there be communication between the outside counselor and an a contact within the church. There should be a 3 position communication between the counselee, church counselor, and outside counselor.
In some situations we don't have the words to say or the advice to give. Our 5% portion of responsibility is much more than obedience.
The biggest fear we all share in considering the situation of outside counseling is that the counselee will reject the Divine Principle in favor of the outside person's viewpoint. However, I believe the situation is really, in business terms, a "lease vs. buy" or "make vs. buy" decision. If there is a need that exists and the church has the resources to serve that need then it can be provided. However, if the need exceeds the resources the need still exists and must be served. Therefore, there is no alternative but to go to an outside source. It does not mean that Divine Principle or God has no solution to the problem, but rather we do not have the depth of understanding to give the expert advice required.
Oriental tradition is that elder talks and younger listens. At the beginning of her counseling experience she felt the burden of having to come up with an answer immediately. Rev. Won Pil Kim told her "The answer to the problem is within the heart of the counselee. The counselor's responsibility is to listen and guide the counselee to the self-realization of the answer."
What is really needed within the church community are 'friends'. Many times he has asked to people "Do you have any friends?" and the person would begin to cry.
Through counseling or witnessing we gain experiences which help us with future situations.
Additionally, we should make a conscious effort to come closer to more mature members and pray. She has been involved in a monthly prayer group with other sisters in Seattle for some time. This group has developed a deep relationship and can discuss many different situations without getting into just complaining. The basis is prayer which helps them keep the high road in their discussions.
Be conscious of yourself as the Son or Daughter of God when you do go to an outside counselor. Even though we may be going to the counselor for help but we must also remember that the counselor needs something from us and the Divine Principle point of view.
Birth Control, Conception and Our Attitude Towards Them
Rev. Kwak has studied and memorized the Divine Principle. His standard answer is "Father's idea is always to encourage the propagation of the Heavenly Lineage."
Many times the man deals only with the ideal and women deal with the practical. True Mother's answer to this question was to consider how much responsibility a couple is willing to accept and "use common sense!".
Some leaders in the past have even gone to the extreme of dictating when couples may have sex and how many children a couple may have. This is ridiculous!! No one, not even Father, has the authority over that. This is the most precious thing which a couple must decide for themselves.
We are also in a different time than before. Before we were in kind of guerrilla warfare time, the mission, etc., now is the time of hometown providence. If we look at history, population explosion occurs after the wartime ends.
It may appear that younger couples have it better off than we when we were young. If we compare our situation to them we will obviously feel complaint. But there is the aspect of internal content. Our past is filled with person to person, grass roots time working with God and True Parents. This foundation and experience no one can now share and has become the foundation for others to stand.
Parenting Skills from a Principle Perspective
How can we motivate our children to maintain their purity and prepare them for the Blessing especially when they are surrounded by their secular friends.
Their eldest child is 21 years old, their other children are teenagers. How can we protect them from the fallen environment they are surrounded by? Over-protection by the parents can actually cause resentment within the child. Rather than building 80 foot fences to surround your child with, it is better to build internal maturity of discernment within the child. The children are going to experience the fallen world, so the question is really how can we educate them in Divine Principle and develop their relationship with God so that they are strong enough to deal with fallen world situations as they occur.
Some blessed children have felt they have been so protected that they want to reject all of it and gain some of their own personal experience.
Hyo Jin Nim has said that whenever he considers his position as first son of True Parents the pressure is so great that he feels his head is going to explode. Additionally, other members constantly view and criticize their actions. We must give our children some space in searching their own path and relationship with God and others.
It is very good to live close to other members so that a mutually-supporting relationship can be developed between blessed children.
One of his son's got involved intra-mural sports. In a locker room talk a friend of his introduced him to a 900 telephone number to a chapter 2 calls. Upon receiving the phone bill David researched the cause. Rather than shouting and yelling about impurity and fallen women, he called in his son about the conversation and discussed the situation. He told his sons that whenever these kinds of situations come up to please come to him and discuss these problems.
Rather than criticizing, which is in the same area as building fences, we need to arm our children with a strength if character to deal with these situations.
They used their elder son to help in discussing this matter with the other son. The elder son also admitted that he too has gone through these Chapter 2 struggles. He said that all second- generation children are going through these struggles.
In Jin Nim's husband gave a wonderful speech three years ago about how to deal with issues like dating and drinking. The speech appeared in the Blessing Quarterly.
His family grew up in Tarrytown with many blessed children friends. Now that we are in our hometown, as a supplement he strongly encourages that children attend the summer workshops in New York or regionally in the future.
How to deal with sex-education in the public schools?
My child had a very liberal sex education curriculum. But she firmly believes that in the Portland area it is influenced by the parents. It should be the responsibility of the parents to become involved in the sex education curriculum of their school. Some schools have adopted an abstinence-only curriculum.
She knows that her fifth grade daughter is exposed to alot of things. But she works very hard to develop a close and honest relationship and discussion with their children.
As a counselor he was often in discussion about Chapter 2 problems. But the question came to him how much of a Chapter 1 experience am I creating for this person. So, in our family we are of course concerned about Chapter 2 influences, but we must work very hard to create Chapter 1 experiences in the family.
How and when do the Hose's educate the children in Divine Principle
Around the time of kindergarten in Sunday school began their education.
Elder, middle, and younger child positions
It is wonderful if the elder child can be an intercessor on behalf of the parents is some situations.
The elder child is the elder (top of the totem pole), the youngest is the always the princess, but the middle child may have an identity crisis. The middle child needs as much love or even more as the younger child.
It is not just a matter of gathering the children together, but spending individual time with each child. Challenge yourself to create individual time with each child. You may feel that you don't have time, but there is no other time. They are only young once.
Tribal Messiahship vs Church-related Activity: Individual Responsibility vs. Church Hierarchy
He is struggling with the apparent contradiction between finding his own identity vs following church orders.
There is a definite struggle between the direction bring people to the church and the church not having the resources to support new guests. He would not bring a business contact to the church because it would create a bad impression within the contact.
There is also the contradiction between street-witnessing vs home church activity.
There was a very good program on Monday night. There is a growing foundation being built within the church community to support more church-centered activities.
Seattle is going through many of these same difficulties. Some members are always attending, others sometimes, and others never. Church center life is in the elder son (Cain) position. It might be tempting for the center members to view home members as external and materialistic. We are now in a Tribal Messiah era. In the past members were to bring new contacts to the church center. But now Tribal Messiahs are in the younger (Abel) position. This is not 15 or 20 years ago. Rather than Tribal Messiahs bringing contacts into the center, the center members should go out and serve and help the Tribal Messiahs with their work. If some members are getting horizontal then that is their problem, but that does not make Tribal Messiahship mission invalid for others.
In the past we were not trained to think for ourselves, but just to follow. But Divine Principle chapter 1 teaches about 3 stages of growth, individual creativity, and 5% portion of responsibility.
The church must grow to allow members to express the Tribal Messiah mission.
True Parents are now saying "Welcome to the Completed Testament Age. Go out and be successful in the world and be an expression of God's love and truth." The new age is calling you to stand up and make it in the world. Children are growing up and leaving the flock. If the church structure still tries to maintain control over the members as before there will be a big conflict in the future. Members are now having a personal commitment and goal to find God and become successful as Tribal Messiahs.
We all must have the freedom to fail. When Tribal Messiahs go out to their area they must be given the opportunity to fail. They must be given the opportunity to be creative and possibly fail. Our 5% is more than being just good obedient sheep. It doesn't mean being rebels and casting off the past, but rather being creative in contributing our own ideas to witnessing.
Philip Caldwell, the former CEO of Ford Motor, once said "There is nothing more tragic than seeing a corporate culture where everyone is always waiting around for someone else to tell them what to do."
Father has said many times if we knew that we would die in 24 hours how different our attitude would be towards witnessing. But I also believe that if I knew absolutely that the house I am living in now is the same house I will be living in 20 years from now how different my attitude would be in relating to my neighborhood. There would no longer be the excuse of not committing to the neighborhood because "I may not be here in 2 years", but this is my Tribal Messiah area and this is where I will be successful.
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