The Words of the Bessell Family

ETF Reflection of the Whole Year

Chung Hee Bessell
October 23, 2002

Iím thinking a lot about how views change. Itís like in that bible passage" When I was a child I thought as a child, spoke as a childÖ, but when I became a man I put away childish things".

My general attitude towards things hasnít changed. I still believe that everyone should be open-minded. I still believe that itís OK to be a little bit crazy. However, something definitely has changed from when I started this year to now Ömy awareness.

Iím aware that there is a God, Iím aware of the impact my actions can make, and Iím more aware of my capabilities and limits.

Living together with my ETF brothers and sisters has changed me. They have changed me. I can see this in the order in which I think and act. Theyíve become my second family, helping me realize the value of my own family.

More than anything on ETF I valued the times in which I was desperate, completely empty, at my "zero point", out on a FR run, preparing a lecture or praying for a guest. In these moments I could truly meet God and my life became an open book to me (Many times it wasnít, I used to be quite confused about what was going on inside of me). When I was open to do so I could learn incredible things, get great insights in an instant.

All together ETF wasnít a cup of tea for me at all. Sure, as far as external conditions were concerned, I could adapt quite well, the spiritual/emotional/mental side was a different issue. I experienced many things that really scared me.

Just as I experienced God for the first time as a graspable reality in my life, I also got to know the fallen reality, even more impacting.

Fear is a powerful thing. There were days on which I was perfectly fine on the physical plane yet I couldnít move, or breathe, when I was terrified to do anything. Occasionally I spent a week, weeping each day, without knowing exactly why. I didnít use to be someone who is sensitive to spiritual thingsÖ

If you look at me now, youíll notice that Iím still pretty much the same: About 184 cm tall, (yeah, some weight as well), etc. But everything else has changed everything you cannot see so easily.

Iíve spent a year on the frontline, willingly, investing myself. Itís a terrifying place, it truly is. But the fact that I can stand here now and look back on it with a smile, appreciating everything, that is prove enough to me that this year has been everything but wasted. I donít regret coming, I donít regret crying. I only regret not having done it before.

Iíve been victorious and I will be from now on.

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