I’m thinking a lot about how views change. It’s like in that bible passage" When I was a child I thought as a child, spoke as a child…, but when I became a man I put away childish things".

My general attitude towards things hasn’t changed. I still believe that everyone should be open-minded. I still believe that it’s OK to be a little bit crazy. However, something definitely has changed from when I started this year to now …my awareness.

I’m aware that there is a God, I’m aware of the impact my actions can make, and I’m more aware of my capabilities and limits.

Living together with my ETF brothers and sisters has changed me. They have changed me. I can see this in the order in which I think and act. They’ve become my second family, helping me realize the value of my own family.

More than anything on ETF I valued the times in which I was desperate, completely empty, at my "zero point", out on a FR run, preparing a lecture or praying for a guest. In these moments I could truly meet God and my life became an open book to me (Many times it wasn’t, I used to be quite confused about what was going on inside of me). When I was open to do so I could learn incredible things, get great insights in an instant.

All together ETF wasn’t a cup of tea for me at all. Sure, as far as external conditions were concerned, I could adapt quite well, the spiritual/emotional/mental side was a different issue. I experienced many things that really scared me.

Just as I experienced God for the first time as a graspable reality in my life, I also got to know the fallen reality, even more impacting.

Fear is a powerful thing. There were days on which I was perfectly fine on the physical plane yet I couldn’t move, or breathe, when I was terrified to do anything. Occasionally I spent a week, weeping each day, without knowing exactly why. I didn’t use to be someone who is sensitive to spiritual things…

If you look at me now, you’ll notice that I’m still pretty much the same: About 184 cm tall, (yeah, some weight as well), etc. But everything else has changed everything you cannot see so easily.

I’ve spent a year on the frontline, willingly, investing myself. It’s a terrifying place, it truly is. But the fact that I can stand here now and look back on it with a smile, appreciating everything, that is prove enough to me that this year has been everything but wasted. I don’t regret coming, I don’t regret crying. I only regret not having done it before.

I’ve been victorious and I will be from now on.

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