Unification Sermons and Talks

Reverends Fefferman

Holding On Desperately

Susan Fefferman
March 24, 1999

I am not talking about a human messiah making mistakes. My meaning is that Father looks at each situation and finds what best works at this time and place. He is not following a preset list of what to do on this day and that day. Especially given all the failures that occur. He is definitely proactive in his efforts but when something fails he immediately goes on to plan "B". Or the secondary course just as Jesus did. He clearly knows what must be accomplished and the principles that must be followed, but his creativity lies in how to best accomplish the goal. In the end universal salvation will occur, the question is how long will it take each one of us to open our hearts and do our part/portion of responsibility. Our pain and suffering can be an offering, if we choose to offer it. But I know it takes time to make it an offering and get over the resentment. I know.

I don't want to go into the details of my suffering under Mr. X and his minions while I was doing the WFWP sisterhood ceremonies in Washington, DC. But basically I was crucified. I was crushed. My good name was destroyed and violence done to my heart. At that time my teenager decided that the church life was not for her and began to make decisions that we are still suffering from.

I held on to God in desperation, I held on to True Parents in desperation. And I repented. I figured that I must be guilty of some sin, some mistake along with my attackers. In New York Nora Spurgin was going through difficult times too. Because it was not just me, but maybe I would have come to this point anyway, I recognized that this suffering must be bigger than me. It was a providential restoration point. I was involved in restoring some failure of women or Americans or both or who knows.

To this day I am appalled at my victimness. What happened to the fiesty, fighting Irish woman who took no prisoners in the Middle East? Who pioneered Ohio and Iran with little help save God's constant companionship and the guidance of True Parents. Where did I go? Was my true nature lost forever? But I held on. My poor husband was going through his own thing with being out of work for several years and wanting to make an offering to the providence. I neglected him terribly. And left him with my neglected kids because I was in too much pain. I mostly wept during the few hours I spent at home.

But I am not a quitter. I had promised True Parents that I would complete the sisterhood ceremonies with my amazing Japanese sisters who were suffering so much as well. I hung on. I had a very precious spiritual experience with True Mother who began to heal me because I was praying to become like her and to feel her heart for over a year. Also, there was one sister who stood up and calmly defended me in front of the others. Another sister stood up for me and finally Nora got fed up with the unrighteousness of the situation and she spoke for me. Without those wonderful sisters who I can never forget, I wonder where I would have been. I realized that I needed to fight and defend. But I could not defend myself. So I defended others. I rose up in my heart to Nora's defense and without having to speak to the people to whom my feelings were aimed they began to change. Was it my overcoming my victimness that helped her or had the necessary time period of suffering been fulfilled? Or did we have to reach a certain point in our growth to overcome our situation? Who knows. The spirit world began to do things in my life. Tattered and torn I continued. I was not a very pretty sight but I managed to go on. I was eventually vindicated and restored, so to speak. Resentment does not rule my heart.

I will never be the same and yes I needed time to heal. But by hanging on to True Parents as parents and realizing that all of us, no matter the situation, are providential figures restoring something on some level, I pulled through. I learned a lot, a lot, a lot. I have been lucky to have had several pioneering missions where I could feel the sense of being a providential figure. But now even in my mundane life I know that whatever I do I can restore something on some level. I can create some part of heaven on some level. If I pray in this way my spiritual life can have power.

Lastly, I would like to say to you something that I think we all need to hear and is so hard to pickup sometimes. On behalf of God, I want to say, "I am sorry that I had to sacrifice you in this messy restoration work. I am sorry that those who stood between you and me were imperfect and hurt you and did not give you the love that I gave them. But know that you are my precious daughter and that I will love you no matter what you do. If you could just dig deep into your heart you will find me trying to heal your hurt. Inside where I long to dwell there is amazing power and strength to love and heal others. I will be with you in all your endeavors." This "message" or realization has saved me in so many situations offer it to you as a sister and I hope you can understand the heart of my offering and not think me presumptuous. (I might be but I'm working on changing that too.)

This is a wild and confusing time we are living in. My husband and I keep mentioning to each other that we are so completely busy. And the busy is not providential. We only have two girls. How do other families do it with 5 plus kids? (I always wanted 5...) But in this busy time of the providence I feel guided to clear out my life of unnecessary stuff. Simplify my life and my understandings. (I need to clean out my basement as well!) Survival of my heart and maintaining the sweetness in my heart that I (and my husband) love must be my focus now. I am 50 and who knows when I will die. I want to go to the spirit world with the best feeling and the least amount of regrets and resentment.

I wish you and everyone the best in these trying times but I am confident that Heavenly Father is trying to help us all "be prepared."

Love, Susan

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