The Words the Hose Family

How To Break Old Patterns And Bring True Solutions

David Hose
December 12, 1993

H [husband] explains, "This is a continuation of yesterday morningís meeting when Heavenly Father spoke to my wife and myself about how to break these old patterns of argument, of feeling misunderstood, feeling unloved and unappreciated, and not being able to truly enter into the other personís world. He came and broke right into the middle of the whole scene. We both had always had the concept that everything should be beautifully prepared and a calm and serene atmosphere before God could come. But in this case He came right into the middle of our argument and demanded our attention. It was very strong. It wasnít a passive force coming around when everything was nice; it was a very powerful force coming in when things were really stormy. And He demanded we listen, in a very good way -- not an angry way but in a loving way -- He asked us to lay aside our subjective anger and to just listen to Him for awhile. We have no tape on it, but I have the feeling that it will be on tonightís tape as a result."

W [wife], I am here. And H, I want you to feel free tonight to talk together with Me, and in the course of this taping tonight, I am sure many of the points that came out yesterday morning will come out again. But W, I particularly want to ask you to express your heart about your experience when you do feel what you felt yesterday morning, for example, in your relationship with" A" and in general to just bring these things out. In one way weíve talked before, now and then, but I want to know more, and then we can talk about that tonight.

W says, "Yesterday we spoke about how my insensitivity or lack of understanding is continuously manifested among our children, and then it becomes very, very difficult for me to forgive. Sometimes frustration builds up, anger builds up. And You dealt with that. Basically, I was still upset in my heart when I had a conflict with H.

I guess my frustration might come from my childhood because I didnít feel my father was interested in what was happening in my heart. I even spoke out and expressed myself, but there was no interest or open door, so maybe I accumulated this anger unconsciously (it wasnít really a conscious thing), anger toward those who didnít seem to pay any attention to what I really wanted to say with all my sincerity, or when someone who doesnít appreciate or has no sensitivity to what I really do or what I give out with all good intention. So sometimes that comes out to my husband, and sometimes it comes out to my children, and thatís the kind of pattern that I noticed I have. And I also see that whenever I feel that way,

I donít know how to manage it and so I just express it. And of course thatís not good because if I express it, it comes out with pain -- anger with pain from the past. And the persons who are on the receiving end feel offended and start defending themselves, so we go back and forth and neither of us have our feelings resolved. And You encouraged me yesterday to come to You more, because otherwise I will just go back to my own past like the little child in me who is continuously ignored or not listened to and hurt. If I go back to that I become completely unable to cope with the situation. Not just that, but I seem to have no room to understand what the other person is going through in relationship with me. The only way to really understand another person, to really see them clearly, is learning Your point of view. So if I donít come to You I will never learn it. That is what I understood. But what I want to know is how can I, at that moment of anger, at the moment of hurt, the moment I feel tempted to withdraw into my own past hurt, or whatever, how can I catch myself to call You and how I can offer myself to You? I want to know about that."

I will answer this in a moment, but I want to explain a few things first, then Iíll come to that.

Your great loneliness, W, (and you are a person who has a place of great loneliness; is this true?) comes from, in all of your life, never having really felt that anyone, even your husband, sadly, has known you fully and understood you -- good, bad, strong, weak -- just fully. You see, when I look at your childhood, or the childhood of so many, their parents and their teachers and the elders around them, certainly big brothers and sisters, could not know or understand them, as you feel your father didnít understand you.

Your mother did, but in a sense she was unable to really embrace you because of her situation with your father. Then you didnít experience being really penetrated and known by your parents. Parents, in the original sense, should represent Me. And I should live within them and live through them to really be able to penetrate the hearts of their children. And, therefore, when the child feels known, understood completely and, therefore, loved completely, loneliness cannot exist. You are walking in that light and you know indeed that there is a powerful comprehension and love around you. However, when this is not existing, then you grow up out of childhood never having fully experienced that sense of being understood, and, therefore, you go through the rest of your life looking for someone who could fill this void.

Unfortunately, you are running into people who have had the same general experience. They, too, are looking for someone -- like your friend [name], she is so desperate to be understood and loved. This is a normal thing. But there is no one who can do that fully. As I said yesterday morning, it is I Who wants to be able to penetrate and to truly know each child fully and deeply from the moment theyíre born. And I do. However, there is no one who can express that knowledge and that love of Mine. All my knowledge and love of you remains rather abstract, doesnít it? And yet itís real.

You know your experience after you came back from the hospital. I could use your husband, even though his heart for Me and for you was not fully developed; heís still a growing son and has a long way to go. But because of the extraordinary situation and your desperation, I could come. And then that love wasnít a bit abstract. And that is what has made such a difference, I know, in spite of all the physical pain that you have to go through. Now letís say that had happened with your parents when you were between two and ten years old.

Donít you think your life would have a different tone? Yes. And of course I am sad even as I say this, but thatís the way itís supposed to be. When I talk about misuse of authority, it is that this world is full of parents, and full of teachers, and full of leaders who do not understand that they represent Me. And Iím not just talking about church leaders. Any leader, whether he uses My name or not, is asked to love and to understand those for whom he/she is responsible, as parents to children. If we speak of your own movement, well, itís obviously so -- leaders should really understand and love those under them. But the misuse of authority is when that leader is not himself or herself opened up to Me. He/she may be suffering the same lack of substantial love or understanding when they were young, and, therefore, they have no capability. And so misuse isnít intentional most of the time, or because they are evil intentioned people, but simply because they are incapable.

They may try to love as they understand it, or give some time or take someone to lunch as they understand, but itís all subjective. And very little of it is in objectivity to Me. And so this is the tragedy. And there are so many people in this world who grow up lonely because they have not been melted down by that love and that knowledge. Truly I am perfect knowledge and I am perfect love. You, if there had been no fall away from Me, were intended, each of you, to reflect that perfect love and that perfect knowledge. And here is the amazing thing about life:

When you feel fully known even as a child, when you are known completely and you know that within yourself, that you are known and loved, it enables you to become then the knower and the lover. Not just receiving, but growing toward being able to do that for your little brother and sister, for your child, for those who will follow you, for your friends -- itís not necessarily positional, itís a quality of heart. But you have to feel known and feel loved before you can truly love. And thatís the struggle for anyone leading a spiritual life.

If they do not feel truly loved and truly known, and they havenít experienced this in their life, and then theyíre to love and understand their members, theyíre always going through this sense of hypocrisy and feel as if they are wearing a mask. Thatís why I asked both of you yesterday morning in the midst of all your anger and all your smoke to "shut up" and listen to Me. Why did I say it in the middle of your argument? Because that is the moment when you most feel subjectively involved in your own fight, when youíre both feeling very isolated from one another and just shooting from behind a tree. Thatís the very moment for both of you to come to Me. And yesterday that was the moment when I could help you understand that you are known and you are loved. Truly, if you will try to remember this whenever this kind of pattern repeats itself, then you can start to liberate yourself from this old problem.

I know your loneliness. And I know your husbandís loneliness, too; he grew up also feeling that no one really understood his heart and truly loved him with that profound and Divine love that allows a person to grow up and become a loving person themselves. So you two have a common root in that respect, even though your backgrounds and your parents were very different.

So, speaking of all of My children, when you are fighting with one another to be understood and to be loved, well it doesnít work because the fundamental point is being misunderstood by everybody. Thatís why I wanted you to know yesterday that I do know you very well, I do love you completely; but there was no one who could express it when you were growing up. And thatís why we have to begin NOW. You see, thatís why Iím tired of religious authorities and tired of religious structures that canít express this, because they arenít doing anything for My people. This is the irony of your own movement, because True Parents are on the earth and yet who, in the structure of the church, can truly represent that knowledge, that love, and restore the failures of the past and help the lives of people who follow them to be restored by giving them what they missed when they were young?

You emphasize sacrifice, giving everything for the world, and so many of your members donít even feel that they deserve this kind of love and understanding for themselves, yet they feel they have to give it to others. And there is the great irony! How can they? They canít if theyíve never experienced it themselves. Itís like a man with an empty cup and here I come, Heavenly Father, with a very large basin of water; I want to fill that cup, but the man says, "No, no, no, Iím not worthy! I have to go out and give water to the world. No, donít give me any." Then he runs out the door thinking he wants to give water to the world, but he has no water in the cup. This is the crazy irony of life. And so, truly, especially in the Orient, I have to say, this ethic is very strong but itís very misguided.

[W says she always understood that you can only give to the extent that you received and no more.]

Yes. But I canít emphasize enough this matter of being known and being loved. You canít separate the two. You know, W, because youíve said it before, to you true love means truly being understood. And this is on a heart level. From the heart comes the logical level, but most fundamentally itís on the heart level. And as I said, I had no mouthpiece when you were a child. Your parents couldnít be My mouthpiece. And as you were growing up, through your experiences, there were very few who could really be My mouthpiece. Perhaps there were a few along the way and a few moments along the way when you felt Godís love and understanding working through someone. Those are the moments you never forget This can be much more. And I want you to know, too, that once you have felt understood and loved by Me directly, then you wonít be so hungry to be understood and loved by other people. Iím not saying that you should give up hope, but you will have that relationship that youíve longed for. And itís here for you now, completely.

But, again, the pattern wants to persist. You will find it coming up because your emotions are like tapes; they want to replay, replay, replay. Therefore, in that emotional moment you may just emotionally want to forget what Iím saying to you right now. But in that moment, next time you feel lonely, misunderstood by H and want to withdraw, remember what I am saying right now and reach to that point. You could even stop your discussion, if itís a stormy discussion, and say, "Letís pray and open up to Heavenly Father."

Both of you can do this. And in that way you can confirm something that will allow both of you to jump off of that tape and go another step. Because what youíre both looking for from one another is something that can only come in a trinital relationship with Me. Do you understand? So donít demand of one another what can only happen between the three of us. And this is why so many marriages break up, why so many Blessings are sad, because each partner is asking of the other something thatís impossible for the other to fulfill. The miracle here is not that I want to work as an independent third being here in the trinity, but through you, because I live within each of you. Iím not separate from you. Iím a third dimension for your relationship, and that third dimension is within the both of you. As you see that, then both of you within Me can truly be that love and understanding for one another. Do you understand?

So you want to hear My love and My knowledge through Hís voice, right? Not just like Iím coming right now with the tape, but through Hís own personality. Do you understand? You want that. And he wants that, too. This is the beauty of that trinital relationship. I am apart from you, but I am also with you. Blessed marriage begins to take on profound meaning when this kind of thing begins to happen. So once more I want to say that being known and being loved are one thing. It couldnít happen when you were a child because of the inability of most all parents to truly know Me and be open to Me so they could be My mouthpiece.

This is a problem throughout the world in any elder-younger position. And particularly speaking of the Unification movement, this is a major problem. The reason there is so much disappointment in the movement is because the expectations are so high. People within the movement are too much on a will level and a mental level. But the heart, the realm of heart which is the realm of this age, the realm of the heart is too full of hurt. There are too many people who have so much hurt from their younger age and from their experiences in the church and right up until today that itís very hard to open up their hearts even to Me.

Itís only in that desperate moment like you have had that you could open this up. Believe Me, this is real. Donít you for a moment think that this will be any less. We will grow together.

I am working on very large levels for very large purposes, but within every large purpose there are a million very specific purposes. And if My purpose doesnít come down to the enlightenment and the resurrection of each individual, what is My purpose? What meaning does it have to talk about restoring the world if it isnít the life of each individual? So, you canít separate the two purposes. Itís like each cell of your body has to be alive for your whole body to be alive. Iím living in each cell; Iím living in your whole body. How do you separate? No, they are one. So, you are a cell of this body of humanity, and I want to make this cell very alive and full of light. Am I too poetic tonight?

W says, "Yesterday when you spoke, I felt like the tear in my heart was melted away. And I felt happy the rest of the day knowing there was somebody who understood me, and that was my God. I do recognize that I still have so many invisible layers, layers of things to get rid of before I can stabilize this understanding thatís more consistent with You. I began to see or imagine the enormity of that relationship if I can really do that with You. And the next thing I thought about was how much this can help many people to be liberated. Not at a logical level -- we can give lectures, but that doesnít heal. Weíve talked so much about healing, but I think I didnít really understand how that healing can come about. I guess I have to go through it myself, You know, be healed by You by coming to know Your love and Your understanding very concretely through my own very real experience. And I feel so grateful just knowing that is there. And then I thought, Well, what do I know about God? What took me so long to come to this point? And yet I have to admit this is just the beginning. I just didnít know of this dimension."

Let Me explain something more, too. Do you remember when we talked about the morning of life -- the morning, afternoon, and evening -- in the "greenhouse" talk? The morning of life of childhood, thatís the time, if the child can be made fully aware of being known and being loved in this way, this is the true nourishment for the true self of that child. And when that true self has been nourished, that child goes beyond just outer identification. For example, that child will know as he/she grows that he/she is not just certain emotions or certain ideas or certain thoughts, that "Thatís not me." Itís that self that has been nourished by the knowledge and love of God. But as you come to adulthood, that self can be very well-established. Without the nourishment of that self, most of you have grown up thinking that you are just those emotions that you experience -- those defensive emotions to your parents, those hurt emotions, the ideas and thoughts that center around those emotions and the logic and everything; and people say, "This is me." No. Thatís not you. Thatís the set of emotions like the wall around yourself that youíve made. But this self remains very underdeveloped.

So, this is like your experience yesterday morning. In that moment when I confronted you and said, "I want to talk to you NOW!" right in the middle of your anger, the emotional wall said NO. But another part of you said YES. Now thatís the original self. That self knows what it needs. The emotions, though, are bad and very subjective because theyíre caught by the pattern going back all the way to childhood.

You donít want to say, "I am these emotions." Thatís not you W. The same with H. And so thatís the problem with most of the people in the world today. They are identifying with these emotional walls and with these defense mechanisms that they have built up to protect themselves, but they donít even know that self that theyíre protecting. That self needs to take over and then those walls can be torn down. And then true emotions can be born that are not a bit defensive, that are very free -- true thought, true logic, everything true can come from that truer self.

So, donít worry. Even at your age we can start to build this nourishing relationship. Why else would I be coming to you? So if I couldnít work through your parents, and if I couldnít work through this or that leader, donít worry. I want to come directly. This is the age -- I told you many times; so this is the time for that self to be nourished.

When you feel yourself in the grip of those emotions, of that loneliness, of the feeling of forty years ago, you can break through with a simple step of faith, even if you donít feel that true self. Because, remember, itís still very young; it wasnít nourished. Okay, even with that very young true self, like a two-year-old child, you can reach out your arm for Me and say, "YES, at this moment I refuse to be gripped by those old patterns and emotions!" And you can affirm your true self that way. Does this sound too abstract? Iím right here. We can work together. And as you do that one time, five times, fifteen times, that true self begins to assert itself and those old patterns begin to be broken. Yes.

I think what you want more than anything... if you say "I want to know the truth before I die," it means "I want to be a true person, a true self." Well, this is what itís all about. I feel very sorry because in the life of every person there have been so many misuses of power by those who were their parents, their elders, their leaders -- not bad people, but just not connected with Me in that way. Thatís the problem of a fallen world, and itís true of almost one hundred percent of the people on the earth.

W says, "I feel very sorry for You because that means that altogether you were misunderstood. And there is tremendous fear to come to You because people see You through their experience with parents, elders, leaders and so on.

"Yesterday [name] said he had a wonderful experience with You back in 1975. You came to him in a very intimate way and he asked You why he was having that experience. You told him that it was to show him what would come to him in the future, what was waiting for him, so that he could have hope. He said that because his parents, especially his mother, had shown him no support for whatever he did or said or believed, he had built a wall around himself. He recognized this but each time he tried to break down the wall and open up to You to receive You, somehow Satan would attack him. So he felt angry toward You. He felt like, ĎGod,

I opened up to You, but You didnít come; Satan came and gave me all these negative experiences. Why did You allow that?í He has been discouraged to open up completely because there are always these hardships or difficulties coming whenever he tries to open up. So I listened to him and I understood that I also have that same kind of wall around me; itís like a sickness. I am very lucky because if I want to come talk with You my husband is willing to open himself and then You can come to me through him. And so, rather than Your coming through my own mind and my writing down what You say, I can actually Hear You.

Itís easier at this point in my life to hear words coming from someoneís mouth rather than coming through my own mind. But what about the many people who want this but they donít know how to start? Yes, they can let go of themselves, but then what? They say that nothing came. What can we tell those brothers and sisters who really want that but donít know how to start?" Itís not a matter of knowing in the head or just hearing that somebody else did it, and this is what happened to them, and this is how itís done. A person has to come to a certain moment of desperation, from the very deepest point. And it usually involves even life and death circumstances. It can involve a very, very, deep, deep moment of trouble. It has nothing to do with how much you know the Divine Principle or how many sermons youíve heard about how you should do this or that. It must come to where you are, in one way, very much alone, standing in front of your God. And then in that moment somehow you can open up part of yourself.

The reason that I wanted you to work as a couple and to be able somehow to begin this work, which would go out toward others as is happening right now, is to start to spread the information I give you. There are those who are getting ready to open up to this kind of experience and, believe Me, because of the moment in providential history, there is no better time to open up because I am fully ready. Whereas fifty years ago, even twenty, even ten years ago it was a different time, a different moment, and a different dynamic was involved, so it wasnít as easy. Nobody could have told you this before your accident. You might have tried to understand, but you werenít really desperate. It really takes the moment of desperation, Iím sorry to say.

Even when you know the world needs to be restored, and you know the messiah is on the earth, and you know all the conditions are right, still itís very hard for you to get desperate -- because your stomachís hungry, youíre thinking about that new dress, youíre worrying about whatís going to be for dinner tonight, one of the children is having a little sickness. Your mind is spread in so many different directions that you can only give a part of yourself to this so-called desperation. But itís not really desperate. And, unfortunately, everyone has the tendency to try to be comfortable.

Thatís why Father is a very rare man, because he has the mind to totally sacrifice himself for the world to such an extent that it can be called total desperation. And thatís why I can work with him very closely. Those around him donít understand that dimension. Nobody understands that dimension. Thatís why he said heís a very lonely man. He knows that he is completely known, completely loved by Me, and thatís what keeps him going. And he feels that same strong love and embrace toward Me too. So, you see, if he was asking somebody in the world to understand him and then fighting, but nobody could understand his dimension, then heíd be the most miserable person. But itís his relationship with Me that keeps him from going insane. Do you see? So, you wait.

[W remembers that at Fatherís 70th birthday, in his keynote speech at the celebration in Seoul, one of the things he said that stood out for her was, "In my life there is always continuous battle and struggle, difficulty, persecution and adversity, but what keeps me going is the knowledge that God knows me and loves me perfectly."

That was his strength. He said it very clearly and she was impressed enough by it to remember his words, yet, at the time, she didnít understand the dimension or depth of what he was saying.]

And I want to remind you that Father, like you, couldnít have that kind of understanding and knowledge and love from his parents either. He found that with Me as he grew up. And so, to follow his path is to also go that way, to come into that relationship in the same way, where no one could represent that to him. On the contrary, many people tried to destroy him. He isnít bitter, because he is known and loved by Me. Do you understand now Jesusí suffering on the cross when he felt at that moment that I had forsaken him? "Father, Father, why hast Thou forsaken me?" Do you remember those words on the cross? That is an utter nightmare for the one who calls himself My son. I did not, of course, forsake him, and My relationship with him became closer than ever through that whole experience. But that is what sustains a man in that situation. And that is what must sustain you too, finally, in this world because no one can know and love you like I do.

There are those, too, who look at the True Parents, and if they do not look beyond them for that knowledge and love, then this is what we mean when we say it is not good to have any other Gods before Me. To put the True Parents in my position is very unfair to them because they are simply the parents the world has been waiting for to represent that love and knowledge that comes from Me. Not to become Me or to be Me. They are not the end. So, for people to expect that from the True Parents and not realize their personal relationship with Me, this is idol worshipping. Itís not the True Parentsí fault. Itís the child who has misunderstood the True Parentsí relationship with Me and how that all comes to the child. What do really good parents teach a child? Early in the childís life, teach them about God, teach them to pray, teach them to develop in the spiritual sense, not just toward the parents but toward something deeper than the parents. And that becomes the childís strength long after the parents are gone. It becomes the childís source of good parenthood also.

This, again, is going out of the greenhouse. The parents taught the best they could, gave the best they could to help their children become true, and so itís now more and more up to you. Itís a profound challenge for you that I give you tonight. But remember, the next time you feel those old emotional barriers coming up, donít just let it slide. Really take the moment and use it as a point to open up to Me. And those walls, I want to tell you, are not as thick as you think they are; thatís a trick of the devil, so to speak. You can penetrate them like a pencil through a paper if you want. And once youíve penetrated you can quickly break them. You may have to break them over and over again. W says, "I noticed the emotional thing is that at that moment it looks enormous, but when you let go, whatever way you let go, and then finish and then look back, itís not big anymore. Yes. I recognize that."

But your foolishness is that you always let it capture you, and then itís sort of goes away. But you didnít overcome it; it just kind of went away. And then you felt "Oh, that was silly." But how many thousands of times do you say it was silly? The better thing is, in the moment of that strongest emotion or wall, to punch it through; and you can do this. This is not pretending that itís not there; itís not a phony thing to do. Itís affirming your true and original self and that true relationship with Me that couldnít be when you were a child. Now you are doing that, what should have been done before. In a way you have to parent yourself; you have to become your own parent. And of course H can help you and you can help H too.

I hope this has been helpful tonight for you and that itís been illuminating. Itís something that you can share with everyone. Yes.

I want to close this and weíll continue as the days go by. I want to tell you again that you should stay in regular contact because the more you do, you are affirming that original self. For you to be communicating with Me, make no mistake, youíre not just communicating with your everyday logical mind or everyday emotions. The very fact that you are open to this communication and knowing that something beyond W, beyond H, thatís the part of you, the original mind or original heart that is focused, and the more you exercise it -- just like doing physical exercises -- the more in shape that original self becomes. And also that will give it greater strength to punch through that emotional wall when it comes next time. And so, itís very important for us to stay in contact like this.

You know there is a spoken communication, the Word, whatever we happen to be talking about; but thereís also an unspoken relationship developing. Itís like friendship: when you have a true friend you talk about many things and you can be delighted with one another, talking about your future, your hopes, what kind of education you want, who you want to marry, whatever. But also through all of those conversations thereís an invisible silent force building as you exchange heart-to-heart, which becomes an eternal friendship. So itís the same with us. The more we communicate via prayer, via this kind of communication, the more is building up an eternal bond, a very real bond that will go with you right into the spiritual realm. And make no mistake, I am your Friend as well as your Parent, and if we donít communicate we donít come to know each other. And if we donít come to know each other, you go into the spiritual world and itís then you will have to start. So why not start now? Okay, I will close tonight and Iíll ask H to pray.

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