The Words the Hose Family
Mrs. Tacco Hose delivered this talk in a meeting on "Growth of Heart in Unification Women" held on December 6, 1984, at the World Mission Center.
I am not here as an example of a true woman. I am just on the way. I am intensely interested in women's role in the Unification Church, and am still searching. Although I already have five children, I am still trying to find true motherhood within myself. I make many mistakes. Therefore, I am constantly studying Mother and our elder sisters more and more.
I am determined that all my life I will remain a student of Principle. That is my motto. I feel that if I become settled down somewhere, I might die slowly. To me, being alive and growing mean constantly moving and challenging my limitations in a frontline situation.
We cannot talk about growth of heart, or about women, without bringing True Mother into the conversation. About one year ago, before Father went to jail, I was told that this coming three-year period is Mother's age. Father has the perfect qualification to go to the Kingdom of Heaven, but Mother and the children have not yet attained it completely. Mother still has to fulfill certain conditions. She must unite the Cain and Abel children together and bring them to Father: that is her mission. It sounds very simple, but what it actually means is that Mother has to bring all the Cain children, from the 36 couples through the whole rest of the movement, into unity with the True Children. That is an enormous task! The mission of those of us who are blessed is also to try to unite all the rest of the church family with the True Family.
Now that Father is away in prison, Mother literally has to take all responsibility for the movement. Even though Father gives guidance, he cannot be here. This is the first time that Mother has had to take so much initiative. Her path must be quite lonely, since she has no real equal to turn to and discuss matters with. She has to make decisions and initiate activities based on her own intuition and understanding of what is right.
Up until now Mother was rather hidden, and we didn't really have a chance to get to know her. Then, just recently, my husband said that the time would soon come when I would actually sit with Mother, person to person, and discuss many things with her. I have spent a long, long time waiting and hoping, and then suddenly, just a couple of days ago, it happened! I was so deeply grateful. I felt as if God was saying to me, "You asked for it, and you received it." I'm sure that this is just one step in my search to become a true woman, and I want to join with all of you in that search.
The Hose family in December 1984. From left to right: Junto, age eight; Mary, age seven; Rev. Hose; Mrs. Hose holding 18-month-old Taesan; Teddy, age six; and David, age 12.
Most of all, I want to let you know that Mother really wants to know what is happening inside each one of us. When Father was here, all of Mother's energy was focused on supporting Father; she couldn't really take the freedom to walk among us and get to know us freely. Leaders would come to give official reports, and Mother was always side by side with Father. Now, however, Mother can spend a little more time to get in touch with what is going on. So, a few days ago Mother called three women counselors together to share their observations with her.
I feel that women are somewhat secure in reporting factually and realistically. They are not so concerned about losing face or being scolded by central figures, and can be rather free about expressing what they know and feel. In this way, Mother can learn a great deal about our movement's situation from sisters.
Mother asked me many detailed questions such as, "Where do you live? Does your house need repair? How much did it cost? Who supports you? What is your mission? Who are your children? What are their ages? Do you have any particular difficulty with your husband?" She asked about everything! And I felt so free to share with her! She's very natural and she took away all my nervousness.
Finally, as Mother was closing the meeting, I said, "May I express one observation, since Father went to Danbury?" She said, "Please go ahead." I said, "Well, Father has been so unchanging, immovable -- like a rock: dignified, ever showing any weakness. We, who are so human and so fallen, respect him greatly, but sometimes we feel distant and fearful, and are discouraged that we can never be like that ourselves. I sometimes think: is Father human? He must be Superman! He sleeps until three o'clock in the morning and then gets up early, at 64 years of age! How can he be so positive all the time? Doesn't he ever break down and cry sometimes, or not want to go on anymore? Because he is so good and so great, we don't feel free to be ourselves in front of Father, but are afraid of appearing stupid."
Then I recounted what Mother had already shared with the New York area leaders two days after Father was incarcerated. She had said, "Father told me that I shouldn't cry, but I can't help being emotional. When Father went to jail, he encouraged me until the very last moment to be strong and firm." First she shared how she was supposed to be. Then she went on, "But in reality, I felt that I wanted to disappear. I felt that perhaps all we had done had been in vain. Maybe this ideal was too great after all and we were just dreamers who might never really make it. Then Father called me and encouraged me to speak to the leaders, and so I asked you to come here."
"Mother," I said, "because you expressed these things very honestly to us, we feel that maybe its okay to cry, okay to be weak. It's okay to sometimes feel powerless and not put a smile on our face." She was smiling. I said, "My husband was a state leader for many years. Whenever a state leaders' conference came up, he would become very nervous. If you did not have a glorious report, what could you stand up and say? An atmosphere was created where you almost had to perform. If you did not have a great result, you couldn't really be honest. I thought, 'Poor men, poor state leaders!' Some of the state leaders really hated to go to conferences for this reason. But when you gathered the state leaders, Mother, you said, 'Let's be honest. Let's discuss everything -- good and bad. Dignity is important, but not at the cost of intimacy.' Because you said that, we felt automatically invited to be honest. We took off all our makeup. Maybe you can embrace and absorb those members who feel a little distant and afraid because of Father's greatness, and help take them to God." I said that, although Father's imprisonment never should have happened, I was grateful that Mother could now be more available to us. Mrs. Mal Sook Lee echoed my thoughts and said to Mother, "This is why we need both -- Father and Mother, isn't it?" Then Mother smiled.
When Mr. Kamiyama came to the meeting that was held to welcome him on his release from prison on December 4, his face was rather heavy. Sitting next to Father's empty chair, Mother took dominion of the entire situation. She asked all of us to briefly introduce ourselves, and a kind of humorous atmosphere was created naturally. Then Mother spoke, saying, "I asked everyone to introduce themselves because the atmosphere was rather heavy. I know all of you want to welcome Mr. Kamiyama back, but you also feel heavy in your heart because of Father's situation. I asked for the introductions because I wanted to soften the atmosphere." I was amazed that Mother explained everything in such a natural and thorough way.
She continued, "I want to speak on behalf of Mr. Kamiyama because I believe that I am the best person to understand his heart at this time. Although he has been released, his heart is very heavy." She spoke just as if she knew everything about Mr. Kamiyama, as if in her heart he was her very own son. Even though he himself didn't say anything, the exchange of heart between them was almost palpable, it was so beautiful.
She continued with calm confidence to express what Mr. Kamiyama was feeling, and why. "I know very well that ever since Father went to prison, even during the whole court case, Mr. Kamiyama has been blaming himself. He was in charge of finance, but he didn't know so much about American law. However, Father said that even if Mr. Kamiyama had performed his duties absolutely flawlessly, this kind of national persecution would have been unavoidable. So, please understand, and don't blame Mr. Kamiyama at all." And then she cried.
She went on to explain how Father has continually invested -- and reinvested -- his trust in Mr. Kamiyama. This sort of thing has happened repeatedly with Mr. Kamiyama. After Yankee Stadium, Mr. Kamiyama -- who had been in charge of the campaign -- couldn't bear to see Father for three days. When he finally went to Father he just broke down and cried: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Even though someone else was slated to lead the Washington Monument campaign, after this Father entrusted it to Mr. Kamiyama. I was impressed that no matter what, Mr. Kamiyama was willing to take the son's position in relationship to True Parents, and inherit the heart of true sonship. His heart is willing to go with Father in every way.
Mother and Yeon Jin Nim on Yeon Jin Nim's birthday, February 22, 1985, at East Garden.
Do you know Mrs. Eu [Gil Ja Sa Eu], wife of the late President Eu? She was at our recent meeting with Mother. She is extremely intelligent and has mastered English in a very short time. She is a deep thinker and a dynamic leader. Mother asked her to stay at East Garden from now on, to be her own assistant and companion.
Mrs. Eu is in a position to understand Mother's situation very well because she lost her husband fourteen years ago. When she lost her husband and cried deeply, Father scolded her and said, "Don't frown like that. Think for a moment. Isn't it natural that I will go to spirit world before Mother? At that time, who will she look up to as a mother and an example to follow? It should be you! If you cannot be cheerful, Mother also will be discouraged. So, please try." Because of Father's words, Mrs. Eu determined to overcome. She is in a position now to offer special support to Mother while Father is in prison.
I would like to share about some other women whom I know and admire. One woman I can never forget is Mrs. Ishii. Whenever we meet together, even after many years, we have wonderful give and take. She never expects anything from me, and she is never insecure, because she already has enough love from God. Therefore she is ready to be whoever you need her to be, but she never loses herself. She's a very beautiful woman.
One time I asked her, "What is your spirit of attendance?" This is the age in which we are saved and made righteous through attendance, so it is important to have some understanding about it. She said very simply, "The spirit of attendance is to never let the person who is receiving your attendance feel any kind of burden." For instance, if I want to attend you, but am very tired and ask, "Do you want dinner?" in a weary tone of voice, while I am really thinking, "I need rest," some part of you will feel, "Oh, you are so tired. Why don't you just go to bed?" If I really want to attend you, I cannot allow you to feel that I am burdened in serving you. I cannot be thinking, "I'm dying to go to bed, but I must attend. This is the way to heaven; it is my duty," and I mustn't impress that feeling upon you, or you will feel uneasy and burdened by my service. In such a situation, I would be serving on my own terms -- and not really for your sake, the sake of the other person. I would be serving, essentially, only to get credit for it. In that case, it would be better for me to be honest and say, "Oh, I wish I could serve you, but I'm really very tired. Please excuse me. Tomorrow morning I can get up early and serve you." That is a better way, because then I would not be burdening the person I am trying to serve.
Similarly, you cannot be attached to what you give. For example, a member might have donated his furniture when he joined. After something happens and this member decides to leave, he says that he wants to take his furniture back. He still claims the furniture is his, even after it was given. Let's say that someone gives me a necklace as a gift; but then if I don't wear it this person pesters me, "Why don't you wear it?" Or maybe, if I decide that I don't need so much jewelry, or if I want to give a gift as an expression of God's love to someone, but have nothing to give except this necklace, and so give it away, the person who originally gave it to me might get upset. That person is still claiming ownership over his gift. This causes you to feel burdened when that person gives you something; it's not given in the true spirit of attendance.
That kind of heart will not give comfort or joy to anyone, because your giving is attached to yourself. You are seeking credit for having given something to someone, and you are saying in your mind, "Now you owe me." That's not really love, is it? It is rather some kind of selfishness in the disguise of service. Actually, you are seeking approval or love from the other person, and are not really ready to live in his heart. When you give something, you should fully relinquish it and it should become the other person's, totally. That is more true to the spirit of attendance.
My own physical mother has heard Principle only once, but in terms of heart, I am still far behind this woman. She's a very devoted mother, but she never clings to me, saying, "I did this; please remember." My other sisters would pressure her because she sent me money; they didn't approve and insisted that she quit. So my mother wrote me a letter saying that she couldn't give any more, and it was kind of sad, because I knew she wanted to. Then, the last time I went to Japan, for just three days, she pulled out some more money and gave it to me. My sisters got really upset! My mother doesn't do that for my other sisters, but only for me, because she knows that I am doing something important.
My mother is 66 years old now, but she still raises flowers. She cuts them and wraps them and carries them on her back to the market place, where she sells them. She saves the money she earns to give to me when I come to Japan.
She rarely buys anything. And for some reason I never really bought anything for her. I'm always at a loss anyway, and never know what to give. All I ever gave her is my own second-hand sweater. For others to whom I am less connected heartistically, I have spent lots of money to buy expensive gifts. Yet for my mother, I never did anything. She knows it, but she doesn't expect anything. One time I told my mother that I was sorry that "I always chew you to the bone." Then she smiled and said, "Let's just say, 'I love you to the bone!"' I thought, I can never go beyond this woman!
My mother is just a farmer, and an uneducated woman. She didn't even finish high school, because her mother died when she was four years old, and all the children had to work very hard. She had to become a surrogate mother herself at a young age, caring for the rest of her family. She shared everything with her sisters, especially hardship, and they were always loyal to each other. I realize now what God was showing to me. This level of devotion, asking nothing, means more even than knowing a lot of Principle.
I'm automatically inspired to pray for a person like my mother. She just gives and gives and gives; but then who gives her a reward? God is the best person to reward such a soul, not me; I feel I am not qualified.