Even when we feel clear inside ourselves that waiting is better, it's still not easy to deal with the constant pressure from others to have sex right away.

The message gets blared at us everywhere; from television, from our friends, from the opposite sex (of course) and even sometimes from grownups and so-called experts. We get mixed messages don't we? It's bad enough to get put through the mill of peer pressure. It's even worse when someone in authority tells us that having sex is "natural and inevitable" and thus not worth resisting. Getting handed a condom doesn't really help us to say no, does it?

To complicate our lives even further, sex has become physically dangerous, with the threat of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. So called "safe sex" isn't that safe at all, when one considers the failure rate of condoms. And finally, the message about abstinence has sometimes become a tactic used to confuse already over-stressed teenagers (or their parents.) Abstinence has been re-defined by some people to mean any type of sexual activity that does not include sexual intercourse. In other words, you can do just about anything short of "insertion" and supposedly call it "abstinence." That's like saying that you're not really swimming because you didn't get your hair wet.

I think adults should honor and respect teenagers enough to not try to hand them snow jobs like that. The search for "legal loopholes" (because some people want to have sex and still be able to say that they didn't have sex) has obscured the real issue: how to create marriages and families of true love.

It's time for teenagers to stand up and let people know that they're more than dumb animals run amuck. It is possible to save our love for our eternal spouse. Isn't it better to have pride in our inherent capability to be morally strong, intellectually clear, and concerned for the feelings of others? Insisting that sex should be saved for the "One" we'll love forever is the right thing to do, and the gutsy thing to do. Abstinence, real abstinence, means not having any type of sex. And we're all smart enough, and honest enough, to figure that one out. It isn't, after all, rocket science.

Abstinence is the true love thing to do. Anyone that tells us otherwise is inferring that we're not much more than mindless animals. That's not very complimentary, is it?

The best defense against pressure from others to have casual and uncommitted sex is to look them in the eye (with a smile of course) and say, "You believe in true, eternal love, don't you?"

Who can say no to that? If they do say no, then you know that they're not the right person for you, anyway.

If they say yes, you've got them. With a generous, magnanimous smile, (it's always nice to be magnanimous, isn't it?) firmly remind them that true, eternal love requires, by its definition, a rock solid, real commitment. Sex is the most intimate part of love, and isn't like a cheap handkerchief to blow one's nose into and casually throw in the trash.

Of course all the wolves out there will say things like, "Oh but I do love you! That's why we should have sex now!" Look them in the eye, and say, "If you really love me eternally, then you will encourage me to save myself until you marry me. If you're not saying that, something's wrong. Period."

Frankly, though, saying no is a really tough thing to do in a society that's pressuring us to have sex now, now, now. On top of that, we ourselves, as humans, and as teenagers, find it difficult to resist the immediate temptation of sex. That's why the very first line of defense is not at the front door of his or her apartment, after a romantic evening out on the town. Saying no requires that we're clear headed and strong. Our biggest obstacle is the power of love itself.

Let's be honest. Kissing produces a powerful effect, both for girls and boys. Saying no after a long romantic kiss is like sampling the buffet when you're starving, and then walking out of the restaurant without eating. It just "ain't realistic." So what's the best way to say no, and save our love for marriage? Honestly, the best way is to not date. No, that wasn't a typo. :-)

These days, people start dating, holding hands, and having girl friends and boy friends when they're ten, eleven and twelve years old. (Or younger.) How can we muster up the courage and strength to say no when we're dating all the time?

I know, I know. Now you might be thinking, "Well, how can I meet the person of my dreams, if I don't date?" It's a reasonable question. The answer is really rather simple. We see people all the time — at school, at games and events, and at social functions. At those public events, we're safe. Safe that is, from pressure to have sex, and safe from the pressure that may be inside us to just throw in the towel and do it.

When we're in a group, we'll still get a chance to meet people. We'll see how people act, and we'll have a chance to become friends with others. What we won't be is caught alone riding down lover's lane, or somewhere else, where it will become very difficult for us to say no.

Determining to not date is all well and good, but what happens when we find ourselves falling into that swirling fog known as "infatuation?" Then, the problem becomes the tugging of our own heartstrings. If we feel that we're embarked on a dangerous course, and can see that down the road we might lose our resolve to not have sex, then the best, most effective method to stop the multiplication of emotional love is to cut our relationship with the other person. It sounds brutal, but it can save us from serious mistakes.

Cutting off from another person sounds cruel. We need to be aware, though, of the incredible power of love — even love that is misdirected. Our hearts usually rule our intellects — so knowing that something is "wrong" just isn't enough if we've already fallen over the precipice of love. In concrete terms, cutting a relationship with another person may mean saying to that person, "I can't see you any more, because I don't want to engage in pre-marital sex. The only way to protect ourselves is to not see each other." Most of the time, it's better to not say anything, and just stop seeing the person, because speaking about it often makes things worse.

Frankly, if more married men and women were aware of this method, there would be less infidelity in this country. People often don't set out to be unfaithful — they just aren't aware of the way that emotional feelings multiply until they become overwhelming.

Cutting a relationship is very, very difficult; but it is truly the best (and perhaps the only) way to protect yourself from illicit sexual relationships. It will make it easier to do this if you confide in your parents, and ask them for their help. They can give you moral support as well as external support. For example, if a boy or girl was really chasing you, and the situation became very troublesome, your parents could intervene.

If for some extreme reason you feel that you can't go to your parents, at least go to some responsible adult who can help you. The bottom line is, when you're in trouble, don't isolate yourself. Don't act alone. Get help in the beginning of a problem, when it's still small, rather than waiting until the end, when it might be overwhelming.

There are a lot of messages out there that "parents aren't cool," but you know what? All of those people in the sixties that said, "never trust anyone over thirty" are now well past forty! It happens to everyone. Just imagine life without your parents. I mean really without your parents. Wouldn't you be even a tiny bit sad? Our parents usually love us more than anyone else in the whole world. It's very smart (and the true love thing to do) to treat them like friends and allies. And ... we need allies, don't we?

Until we all resolve the conflict between our minds and bodies, it's safer and more realistic to say that none of us can trust our hearts one hundred percent. We can, however, trust our circumstances. If we refuse to be alone with the person that we're attracted to, it is unlikely that we'll have sex with him or her. If we continually put ourselves in situations where we're alone with that person, then our risk becomes much, much greater.

If it all sounds too severe, take heart. True love is the most wonderful thing in the world, and is the ultimate destiny of every young man and woman. How to find true love, and avoid mistakes, is our goal, isn't it? One method is the old Jewish tradition of "match making." (Remember the movie "Fiddler on the Roof?")

Another method is the old-fashioned, nineteenth century tradition of "courting." Courting has recently started to make a comeback. Courtship is a really safe way for girls to keep the wolves at bay. The rules of courtship are very simple. The girl makes sure that she hangs out in groups and in public settings, and when a boy tries to approach her with that clever smile we all know about, the girl ever so sweetly says:

"Haven't you heard about courting? You have to go see my father or mother, and get permission to approach me, in public places only, with a friend present (to protect me, of course). If my parents say OK, then you can come and visit me. And, if marriage isn't a possibility, don't waste my time."

I'd like to be fair to boys here, and suggest that the rules of courting be applied to girls as well. If a girl wants to get to know a boy, then the boy should react the same way, and suggest that the girl come over to meet his parents, and then observe the same style of safe, public courtship. There's no real logical reason that a girl shouldn't initiate a relationship; it's just a "tradition."

Are all traditions good? It used to be a tradition that women couldn't vote in this country. We should examine all traditions under the spotlight of true love. Simply speaking, the rules of true love apply to men and women equally. There's no room for double standards.

Some of your more doltish, insensitive acquaintances may laugh at the idea of courtship, but don't worry. Real, honorable, unselfish men love and admire women who are protective of themselves in this way. Don't listen to the mutterings of boys who are — at that moment — only thinking with their sexual organs.

Why should we hurry to date, anyway? Who wants to get married at sixteen, seventeen or eighteen? Isn't it better to see the world a bit, find out what we really believe about life, and even start a career? Waiting until we're older will give us a much better chance to learn how to love our spouse when we do get married.

At the same time, if two eighteen year olds decide to get married, with honor and respect and commitment, and a clear understanding of the road ahead of them, it's certainly better than living a promiscuous life. It's a toss-up between the huge difficulty of remaining abstinent and the higher rate of success if one marries at age thirty, when one's love is more mature.

Becoming mature in our ability to love our spouse will also give us the ability to love our children when we have them. If teenagers date and have sex, they have to face the reality that girls do get pregnant — even if they use various precautions. Given that fact, it's very important to clarify once again that our goal is not just to "reduce teenage pregnancies" or "eliminate sexually transmitted diseases." If those were our primary goals, then we would be talking about so-called "safe sex" and birth control methods. Many people would also say that the simple solution to unwanted teen pregnancies is abortion. Our discussion here takes the viewpoint that those methods miss the point entirely. We're advocating "abstinence because of love."

Searching for ways to have safe sex, or contemplating having abortions, ignores the primary issue that the couple should not have sex until they're married and committed to building an eternal relationship of true love. Heartistic love should be the primary ingredient of sex, and the foundation for having children. From this point of view, abortions should never happen. If couples wait to have sex until they're married and committed to each other, unwanted teen pregnancies or sexually transmitted diseases will no longer be an issue.

If teenagers do have sex before they're married, and then are faced with a pregnancy that they didn't plan, they're then in a very difficult position. From the point of view of true love, the only good option is for the couple to get married and raise their child with all the heart and love that they can muster. To not get married, and leave the mother to raise the child alone, or to abort the child because it's inconvenient, is a violation of heart.

It violates heart and true love because either action is essentially selfish. It would be selfish for the father to abandon the mother and the child. The mother will say, "Where is the man who said that he loved me?" The child will say, "Where is my father? Why did he leave my mother and me?"

It would be selfish to abort the child, because the normal, original, and natural consequence of true love is a child; to abort a child because of inconvenience is to deny true love itself — not to mention the beautiful and wonderful life that the child should have. My wife recently noted that Celine Dion (who sang the song "My Heart Will Go On" in the movie Titanic) and Iris DeMent (a folk singer) were both the youngest of fourteen children in their respective families. What a loss to the world if their parents had aborted them!

The best solution for teenagers is to say "no" to sex, for the sake of their own happiness, and for the sake of the children that they might have. If the teenage couple has children unexpectedly, they are obligated to raise them with true love, and provide them with a loving home. If either the teenage father or mother tries to abandon the child, the other partner needs to seek help, from parents or counseling agencies, in order to ensure that the child is raised properly.

Having children as teenagers is a huge task — for that reason, teenagers should wait to have children until their love is mature.

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