The Words of Hak Ja Han (Mrs. Sun Myung Moon)
From an external perspective, knowing who Father is, people commonly come to the conclusion that I must feel very honored and happy to have Father as my husband. They think that God made me in such a way that I was born perfect and that I have not had to make any effort. They think that I just happened to meet Father and we have been leading a very happy family life and that now I am just enjoying my position.
This is the general view people often have of me. But on the contrary, as much as Father walked the road of the cross and tribulation to be ordained in his position, I was also given an incredible cross to bear in order to become Mother; I had to reach for perfection. That standard is so high that sometimes I felt it was virtually impossible to attain the goal. Throughout that tremendous ordeal and hardship, patience, perseverance and extraordinary faith were needed to achieve the expectation of God.
[Overcome by tears, Mother paused.]
(Thinking of the path she walked automatically brings tears to Mother's eyes, because it reminds her of all the hardships and tribulations she has suffered. This is why, as you can see, she is very emotional and sorrowful this morning. Just recalling the things she passed through is incredible torture. God tested her again and again, just as much as He tested our Father. Also, Satan was always trying to test her, just as he tested Jesus and Father. This delicate young lady had to go through the same ordeals as they did; it is all recorded in a secret chapter of history. Knowing the Principle, we can imagine how hard her path must have been.)
After just a glimpse of my mission of being married to such an extraordinary person who was carrying such a universal burden, I felt it was virtually impossible even to think of fulfilling it.
(Furthermore, she had grown up like a beautiful flower in a greenhouse, in the most peaceful surroundings and atmosphere. She felt almost like she had been plucked out of the greenhouse and thrown into a desert. There were all kinds of temptations and tests, and all kinds of incredible political and spiritual circumstances around her. She was like a little ship in a rugged sea.)
But during this period I felt the grace of God constantly upon me. When I was in agony God revealed Himself to me and gave me messages and guidance; even in the times when I was not receiving such guidance from Him directly, God worked through those around me, many wonderful loving and protecting people. Through them God gave me constant guidance, daily instruction and leadership. Those days were a tremendous ordeal of difficulties and tribulations; but at the same time, those were truly the most beautiful days, a priceless time of grace when God's presence... as indeed with me.
(Through her experiences, Mother has learned so much about God and God's way of doing things. She passed through hell as well as heaven. Both experiences were needed to make her perfect and mature enough to match heavenly expectation. If she had lived through only the joyful and heavenly side, she would not have appreciated that heaven, but she also went through the bottom of hell. Sometimes she felt that it was impossible to continue, just absolutely impossible! Such situations were too numerous even to count.)
Knowing that some of the other members were jealous of Mother and her mother, following the holy wedding I asked Mother's mother to restrain herself; she was not to come to see her own daughter too often, or if she did, she should only come secretly, through the back door. That put Mother's mother in such a miserable, outcast position that nobody envied her role. Everyone had thought that to be Mother's mother would be a glorious honor, something like being the mother of an empress. But I silenced all those expectations and pushed her into a sacrificial role, not even letting her come freely to see her daughter.
Furthermore, during the first year I treated Mother almost like a servant, instead of a wife. We were bride and bridegroom, but that honeymoon period was nothing but an ordeal on Mother's part. She started out as a servant because I wanted her to start out from the very bottom.
The important internal meaning behind my actions during that period was a test of faith for Grandmother Hong and Mother. No matter what the circumstances, they should not complain or rebel against me; they had to accept and persevere. That was my real desire, and they met that expectation.
It was a reenactment of the Cain-Abel relationship. In order to understand Cain's position, you have to suffer for the sake of Cain; otherwise, you can never become Abel. Grandmother and Mother were in the Abel position to all other people, but they had to be capable of embracing all those who were despondent. I had already become victorious in all levels of the dispensation, from the individual to the universal scale; thus Satan had no right to accuse me. Mother, however, had to start from the beginning, so those first seven years were Mother's training session, Mother's seven-year fishing expedition. The first three years were destined to be her struggle to gain the victory as an individual woman, to become triumphant in the sight of God by overcoming Satan. During the following four years, the whole family had to go through that incredible testing period. Mother started out at the bottom, heading toward perfection.
During those years, all kinds of things were said of Mother, even that she was a failure and that I was going to hand-pick a new bride. You can imagine how heartbreaking that kind of rumor was to her. Furthermore, when it was known that our birthdays fell on the same day, some people accused her saying, "She is just creating a false birthday to make the days the same." It was all Satan's doing. Under those circumstances, Mother had to be silent, persevere and win.
As the days and years passed, what happened? Since Mother continually persevered, since she was patient and silent and maintained her faith in me, eventually the whole environment of accusation was reversed and became one of respect and admiration. By then, everyone was nodding and saying, "She really deserves to be the Mother of the universe. She really is Mother."
Because all of this was necessary in order to restore the center of love, you can imagine how extreme the passions became. Heavenly love and heavenly jealousy were entwined; the battle was quite fierce. I came in order to conquer love and restore it to God, to conquer the heart and restore it as well. Therefore, I had to pay indemnity for love and gain the victory over it, in order to restore all love for heaven. That was truly a cross of love, the most extraordinary cross of all.
During this time, Mother and I never even discussed this situation. I never told her, "You must understand this, persevere and win because I am doing this on purpose." If I had explained things to her and comforted her in that way, then even though she had won the victory, it would have had no value. Mother had to figure it out herself, persevere in her own understanding, in her own right. Today, for the first time in my life, I am explaining the situation in depth, revealing to you things I never mentioned even to Mother.
Through their victorious demonstration of faith, their untiring devotion and absolute dedication to me, Mother and Grandmother Hong became victorious. Therefore, after achieving this condition of universal victory, I have decided to give Grandmother glory as the mother of Mother. In her own lifetime she must receive the respect, admiration and glory that are due her. If she had died without receiving that glory, the coming generation of children would have been affected. From the Principle point of view, I am now treating her differently.
I think it is impossible for anyone except a man or woman of God to accept an 18-year-old girl in the position of True Mother. True Mother's course over the seven years following the Blessing was so hard that I can find no words to express it. People scrutinized Mother severely. Some of the older people did not know how to approach her, because she was so young and beautiful, but 18-year-old Mother accepted everything in silence, and in the end she won the victory. I had a recurring dream in which True Mother would come to me and say, "Oh, I'm so tired and sleepy."
After the end of the seven-year course, True Father asked me to serve True Mother and her children, but I lacked the confidence to do so. This violated heavenly law, and afterwards I was always sick and many times even found myself close to death. I then realized that if we disobey Heavenly Father, heavenly indemnity will be given to us. It has been my experience that Heavenly Father dislikes arrogance more than anything else.
After accomplishing this seven-year course, True Father established God's Day and blessed True Mother with tears, saying, "Heavenly Father, look at Your daughter who has achieved victory."
God's course of restoration included the search for one True Eve. Even though True Father was perfect, if we had been unable to find the victorious daughter of God, everything would have been meaningless. If he had not found True Mother when he was between the ages of 40 and 60, he would have failed everything.
Mrs. Hong is so strong and has never shown any of her feelings to the members. She often said that she was surprised that Mother was her daughter, and that she was a little bit worried. Mother had just graduated from high school when she received such a great mission to carry out.
You know that Eve failed at the top of the growth stage, so Mother, representing Eve, had to pass through that growth stage during the following three years, by the time she was 21. Her first baby, Ye Jin Nim, was born before Mother was 21. Since everything has to follow the Principle, we thought that the first baby would be a prince. "A prince has come, a prince has come," we sang and sang, waiting for the birth of the first child. But it was a princess.
Speaking to us later, Father marveled at how Heavenly Father truly loved us; he knew that everybody had expected a son, but Father was worried about trouble during this three-year period. If the first baby had been a boy, it would have represented Cain's position, and there might have been a lot of fighting.
For one year, I lived with Mother, sharing her room, because I was taking care of Hyo Jin Nim after he was born. I also had the special privilege of sleeping in the same bed with Mother for three nights after my Blessing, so I had a kind of skin-touch experience with her.
I cannot talk to you about the kind of suffering and burden Mother has had to carry. She has had to bear a cross which others cannot fathom. Her smile is very sweet, but from the moment of her Blessing until 1967, her seven-year course was the hardest torture. Many times I saw her crying. I never asked why she was crying; I knew how she had never gone on a 40-day mission, how she had never done any pioneer mission, witnessing, street preaching or fundraising. Although she never had this kind of experience, I knew she paid indemnity. Through the seven years, she went through great suffering, but her strong will and strict mind carried her through.
We members were surrounded and sheltered by great blessing and great love; of course we suffered very much as we were growing spiritually, but we never felt that suffering, because we lived together with Father, and around him something exciting was always happening. Father told us that if we did not know what way to go or how to reach our destination, we could always ride on his shoulder; then the path would be easier. For myself, I feel that I did not suffer, but rather it was Father, the one who knew all things, who bore the suffering. Now, if you know how to ride on his shoulder, you can grow easily.
When I joined, I just thought of Father as teacher; never as father. Then after his Blessing, he told us that he stood in the position of father. On day he was an individual; the next day there were two in the pivotal point, Father and Mother. They represent six thousand years of human hope, the longing to meet True Parents. Our ultimate goal is not to find our teacher, but to meet our parents. That is why the book of Revelation concludes with the Marriage of the Lamb, the establishment of parents. If we do not have parents, we cannot change our blood lineage, and we can never be a heavenly child.
Through Father's family, I can see what Heavenly Father originally wanted. Because Mother is here, we can really feel hope and happiness. There are many things I do not know about Mother, but still I am so grateful that Heavenly Father provided our Mother. God kept her hidden for a long time, but one day Father gave her to us, for our benefit and for the benefit of all mankind.
From our point of view, we wondered why Mother did not know how to lecture Principle, the reason why she had not been on an MFT, how come she did not pass the VOC test; but I am so happy and grateful when I see Mother. Mother's conversation is just like the original word, not the fallen word. She is the original woman and has been given tremendous love by her subject. What more could you ask for than the love and beauty of this original subject-and-object relationship?
We can look to our True Parents' course for an example of the perspective we should maintain. Usually we suppose that a couple's married life should include some private time for conversation, but our Father and Mother rarely had such time together. Even after their Blessing, they did not live in the same house; in the beginning, Mother lived separately, and Father sometimes went to visit her. As you are aware, Father leads a totally public life, spending all his time with the members. Even after the first children were born, only occasionally did he go to visit Mother. Although he had a wife and children, his public life did not diminish, but became ever busier.
Father's house was next to the church building, and we often held the leaders' meetings there. Even then, our church's activities extended beyond Korea and included many different departments. At all hours, leaders would come to ask Father's guidance. Whether it was a special day or not, whether a meeting was in progress or not, people would come to seek Father's advice, and his room was always crowded.
Sometimes the church building was too small for Father's activities, causing many inconveniences, but Father would not build a new one. Furthermore, Father's room had poor ventilation, and in the summer it became quite hot.
After about three years, Mother moved to the church building to live with Father. But as they had more children, for Mother to find even a corner in which she could give birth to her baby was so difficult; there was not enough space for her. Nevertheless, her first concern always went for Father's welfare.
Before True Parents set out on their first world tour, Mother called me and quietly discussed her plan for rearranging the rooms, because her heart was so pained at seeing Father living in such inconvenient circumstances. While they were traveling, the members and I rearranged the rooms. However, when Father returned and saw this new set-up, he became quite angry; the room held so much historical significance, he said, and our changing it without his permission upset him. From our point of view, it was much better to rearrange the room for Father's convenience, but Father's perspective was different from ours; he did not want to alter the room, because of God's heart which was planted there.
At that time, all meetings were held in Father's room, which was of course Mother's room as well, for she slept there. The leaders would linger there with Father until he dismissed the meeting, usually late at night. When Mother was pregnant, she often needed a place to rest, and since there was nowhere in their room for her to rest, we arranged a small bathroom next door, where she could lie down. In our church life, we rarely have had to sleep in a bathroom, but when True Mother was tired, that was the only place she could find to sleep. We should never forget this point.
Still, Mother always considered the meetings so important for the advancement of God's will that she willingly offered her place as a meeting room. Father was aware that Mother had to rest in the bathroom, but still he had to fulfill God's will, regardless of the circumstances. Although he knew Mother's situation, he had to sacrifice it for God's will.
Sometimes we held our meetings at another location, but we were limited by the midnight-to-morning curfew. One night when the meeting was still in progress at 11:30, Mother became concerned about Father's health. She tried to signal the members to end the meeting early, but we did not recognize her preoccupation and care for Father. Finally she said, "The curfew will begin soon. Will you please end the meeting and go home?" Still, Father would not close the meeting. Mother was pregnant and because of that often felt tired. Father knew her condition, so he told her to go to the next room and rest while the meeting continued. Just before the curfew, the meeting closed and they took a car home. This is just one testimony of Father's sacrificial course to gain the victory through home church.
Mother is probably the loneliest person under the sun. Her history has been an incredibly lonely path, but that was her destiny. She had to be like that. Now she has become a mother and has a respected position, and she looks like a tremendously fortunate person, but until she reached that point, she was a most miserable, lonely woman.
Placed in a difficult position at such a young age, Mother went through training to be totally obedient and totally sacrificial for the sake of her husband. She had to fulfill that condition and give total love to her husband. If she had had everything in life and had come from a big family, she could very easily have become arrogant. But she could not protest that her father or her elder brother was superior to her husband. She could not even consider any comparison; she could not think that any man -- whether he be her grandfather or any teacher or professor -- was better than her husband. In the garden of Eden, Eve had only one choice. There were no other men around, and she had to focus on just one man, Adam. This is why I picked an innocent young lady like Mother.
Before I could be a husband to her, I was a father and elder brother. Eve had to be restored in the proper sequence. Eve had lost God her Father, so she must first be restored to God and her father. When they were growing up, Adam was supposed to be her elder brother, so next she had to be restored to her brother. Finally, she could be restored to her husband.
I was not looking for a worldly woman. In order to accomplish the perfect pattern and meet God's formula, I picked an innocent young lady, aged 17, to whom I could be a father, elder brother and then husband. I educated Mother on three levels: as a father, as an elder brother, and ultimately as a husband, in the tradition of total obedience, total sacrifice and total love. This was the road I myself had walked, and she was to travel it as well. By indemnifying what Eve lost in the Garden of Eden, I could restore everything at once, through one person.
There are many crosses of love. The Mother you see today has experienced a lot of pain. She met many tests and tribulations and has had to overcome each step of the way. I was very ruthless and cruel in testing Mother. One day I would be kind and loving, and the next day ice cold and tyrannical. She would cry for many hours. After the Blessing, we lived like separate persons for almost three years, not even in the same house. She could not even come to me freely.
I gave such harsh treatment to her mother as well. She was given strict orders not to enter through the front door for three years. I told the mother of the bride, "You must not tell your daughter that she is to be pitied and that you wish she never had this position. You must never speak like that. If you do, you would be committing a tremendous crime, not only against yourself but against all women on the same level in the spirit world." I was so severe all those years that even now Grandmother Hong is very reserved and hesitant about coming before me.
You can imagine how many women in our church were jealous of
Mother during those years. Many felt that the one who had been chosen
was not capable or qualified for the role. Everyone criticized Mother
for having this or that deficiency, and noted how her first child was
a girl and not a boy. During the first three years all kinds of
gossip floated about. Some even said that Mother was only in the John
the Baptist position, and that the real bride was still to come. Can
you imagine such jealousy of love that existed? All of this fell
within the strategy I had mapped out for those three years. When
people felt intensely jealous of them, I was strict with Mother and
her mother, demanding total obedience, total sacrifice and total
love. They gave themselves completely for three years. After those
three years, everyone bowed down to Mother and confessed, "Yes,
Father's choice was right, and Mother and her mother must be
respected. They are the genuine central family of heaven." After
three years they were given open recognition.
Even though Mother was installed as True Mother, we could not live as a happy family right away. A three-year period of purification and separation was necessary, a period which was crucial before moving on to the next stage of the dispensation. In order to begin the second seven-year course, all conceivable indemnity was paid on the family level. In this first seven-year course, Mother had to be perfected as the True Mother; it was the period of growth for Mother herself.
As you know, the human fall occurred in the perfection level of the growth stage. Therefore, during the seven-year course which Mother and I went through together, we had to cross through the growth stage and reach the perfection stage; during this time I had to restore and install Parents' Day, Children's Day and Day of All Things. In the seven-year course, the most important condition Mother and I had to set was never to complain, no matter how difficult the obstacles and hardships which came our way. We could not even feel discouraged, anguished or rebellious in any way.
In this manner, God used Satan to give Mother and me the worst kind of test and tribulation. In this way I had to be tested and hardened as the True Parent. Satan created incredible situations one after another, not only for me but for Mother as well, during these first seven years. Mother could easily have given up and said, "Father, you are too great a husband; I simply cannot follow you. I am not worthy of you, so let me pack up and go." She could very well have done that many times during those seven years.
To make things worse, when Mother was so heavily burdened, I was not even a comforting husband to her. At the beginning, I had to act as the worst kind of cruel husband and put her through tests that were harder than even Satan's tests. Knowing that Satan was going to test her, I had to test her first myself. But even though my tests were worse than Satan's, still she could perceive some purpose behind them and understand the reason for them. That made them easier to bear than Satan's tests. In this way, we grew closer and closer together, in those first seven years.
In the sight of both God and Satan, our victorious foundation finally proved that I was an invincible husband and that Mother was an invincible wife. No matter how difficult a standard Satan used to challenge us, God could justifiably proclaim that we had passed the test. The many other couples who were blessed during those seven years knew that the True Parents had set the true standard, and they followed that standard and united with us, serving us without a word of complaint. In this way, they could obtain the same degree of perfection.
Those blessed couples, particularly the wives, could have
protested to me, "I just don't understand you. What kind of
husband are you? How can you treat your wife like that?" But the
couples who passed the test had no doubt about one thing: regardless
of how many incomprehensible things I did, I was undeniably and
absolutely God-centered; whatever I did, it was for God. The 36, 72,
120 and 430 couples who were blessed within that seven-year period
knew something of the difficult path Mother and I trod. Knowing the
difficulties we had to overcome, they could never complain.
When Mother first became my wife I was very stern and serious with her. I never gave her any freedom, because I was determined to make her perfect. If I followed her in some way without realizing the effect of such action, the consequences would have been very grave. Women always want to have pretty things and to fix their hair and wear make-up. Now Mother is free, and if she wants to do her hair in a certain style, that is fine. Even if she wears red or black clothes now, that is all right; she can buy clothes on her own now. But this was not always so. It was a long time before she was permitted to go shopping, and even now she only goes once in a while. People have thought of Mother as very happy and carefree, and everybody envied her; but Mother has had a more difficult time than any other woman. If she had not paid all the necessary indemnity in Korea, then she could not have come to a foreign country and worked with me. Even now, her role is not simple.
Only a few years ago, Mother was required to give a full bow to me every morning. She has to live according to a strict code. Even though she loves me very much she cannot freely express her feelings as an ordinary woman would. She cannot kiss me at will, and even though she is tired, she cannot just sleep whenever she wishes. She always has to watch me. I made sure Mother could be free to do certain things. She had to pass through seven years of very rigid steps in order to pay the historical indemnity for all women and be liberated herself. I was the sternest of all husbands, a most fearful man during those seven years. Later, I became the one who loves her the most. It was not fair to her, but for the sake of all women, I had to do this.
This is why Mother respects me. She truly knows how principled I
am and how everything that I do has its cause in God's will. She
feels that I am like God. Once she became like that, then I could
reciprocate and feel the same way towards her.