The Words of the la Rocca Family

STF Reflections From The Second Condition

Kyung-il La Rocca
February 2005

For me this Condition was the best experience of my life, also being the hardest. Being team captain of a special sisters only team brought me many challenges. At the beginning of my captainship I was at a point in my life where I was really doubting myself and anything to do with the church, so yeah, also God and True Parents. I found myself being a hypocrite, giving morning services on a God I didnít believe in, on a spirit world I didnít believe in and on an ideology I didnít believe in. But my main motivation, the thing that I put my full effort into was to find answers. I wanted to be absolutely sure that this is the place I wanted to be, so that I could really 100% put my heart into what I believe in, and of course so that I could lead the team in a proper way.

For many days I prayed and really pushed myself very hard because I sooo wanted to feel something which would make me stay. My team helped me so much with that. Each one of these amazing special sisters with their own special situation really just forced me to turn to God for answers on how to take care of their spiritual life. Thatís how I found God. Feeling lonely many times, I had only God to talk to and I found answers to questions that I couldnít possibly have known without him and I found Him always guiding me through the decisions I had to make.

Of course it was hard at first but when I started to believe I just put him first before everything. I found my faith through being responsible for these sisters, because to connect them to God I first had to make this connection myself. I canít really explain it but by having the strong desire to find God and my faith, and by doing things according to what I believe was right, by listening to my conscience, I just found him. It sounds easy but it required a big effort from my part. Sometimes It just got so tough and I wanted to give it all up but having found what to believe in I could only try to give my heart out to God. To have God is to completely deny myself, thatís the way I proved myself to him.

Many times I feel repentful and shameful that I ever doubted, for not believing, but that only gives me motivation to do better in my life from now on. Also, I made many mistakes but after repenting that also re-determined me to do better next time. It is so easy to get depressed by your failures and difficult situations, but that is the way I learned things: not so much through my success and victories, but through failures. It helps me to know not what to do. And those victories I had I treasure as beautiful experiences to get me through tough times.

So, I donít really know what else to say except that God and True Parents are real. God lives with you every moment, you just have to see where you are at, your level, you have to be honest to yourself and in your prayers with him, then he can come down. Sometimes he may work with small things, but isnít life made out of small things? For me God isnít this thing up above that fries you with lightning bolts if youíre a bad boy. Rather he is a father which wants me to get somewhere and wants me to become a person he can trust and who can return joy to him.

Thatís it. Thank you God and True Parents for the life you gave me.

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