If our children are to be comfortable saying "I care for you" to others in the world, then they must first learn that language at home. Instances of hearing the spoken word, seeing mom and dad hug, seeing elder sister feed baby brother, and growing up watching the needs of the family met by sensitive parents gives children a feeling of safety and an overall sense of wellbeing. The worst family lie to a child is one where the family members are individualistic, trapped by self-absorption, self-promotion, self-protection. Walls of silence and wary comments can kill intimacy and warmth, the very fiber of a healthy family. Even the oldest adult we know still has an "inner child" alive and available inside the many layers of their being, and that child still needs to feel loved even at 85 years of age!

Every day we choose to love or not to love. Each of us has a "love language" whether it be praise, touch, gifts, service, or quality time spent with another. Learning our child's primary love language is important for parents. In becoming sensitive and supportive of our child’s primary love language, we may avoid misjudging motives and responses, resulting in frustrated parents and confused children. We may instead create rich and tender memories that our children will carry with them into their own families in the future. Our personal love language is God-given and should thus be honored.

In the popular Christian parenting program, GROWING KIDS GOD’S WAY©, Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo teach:

• Your primary love language is evident in two ways: You speak it more often than the other languages, and you feel most loved when it is spoken to you.
• You have the ability to speak all five languages, and you should try speaking all of them.
• Love languages in children begin to emerge before seven years of age but become more identifiable by age seven. Before that age, it is difficult to distinguish a language and assign a priority ranking. Of course, all children under seven like presents, hugs, and quality time.

More inspiration on "love language" may also be taken from the teachings of Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of the best-selling "Five Love Languages" series.

It is stunning to hear of a wife who loves to buy her husband treats and make him special meals, only to hear him say "How can you waste money like that? We can’t afford such a luxury!" or "Who are you cooking for, do we have a guest for dinner?" He cannot recognize his wife’s serving effort is a gift because that is not his love language! It is hers! And he never thinks to buy her a special dinner out or go to the movie because he would hate to spend the money! So they go through the weeks and months with a lot of misunderstanding. What is his love language? If his wife knew, she would surely shift gears. If he knew his wife loved dates, he would surely find a way to spend quality time with her without hurting his pocketbook.

We tend to speak in our own love language, and we expect that the other automatically understands our intent. In studying the "Five Languages of Love" descriptions following, let us consider whatever YOU like to give to or do for someone, he/she (spouse or child) might not speak "that language". If our spouse or our children have different primary touch-points of love, they might not receive our effort to love or communicate; it just isn’t their "thing". Therefore they are not alert to our actions and don't get anything out of it. Meanwhile we might be exhausted and discouraged from all the giving. If we know how another receives love then we can learn to speak another language!

One friend loves to get cards and gifts. Through them he builds a bridge to apologize for words which would sting and hurt. The card was supposed to express "I love you. I would like to take it all back". The gift means: "I thought of you even when I was at the other end of the world. I bought it there when I missed you."

After some time the recipient had to be honest and express that both ways of giving did not do much for her. Her love language is spending time and having good communication. She likes to be with people who think first before they speak and then relate without emotional outbursts. Also, she prefers to spend money on food and time together, not collecting cards and gifts.

So after discussion about their different love languages, they made a date and spent an afternoon together starting at an outdoor café, then visited local arts/jewelry/gift shops admiring antiques and the creations of local artists, finally spending a whole hour in front of the card section, quipping and laughing at funny cards and thinking of who to send special messages to. Find out what really makes your children and your spouse happy!

Samples of the five love languages, from The 5 LOVE LANGUAGES, by Dr. Gary Chapman:

1. Words of Encouragement

"Your flower garden looks so beautiful. I wish I have a green thumb like you."

"This dress really compliments you." "I am so impressed by your design."

"You have a great way of bringing people together." "You are so delightful."

2. Acts of Service

Do something special for another person. Most of the time it is not something that costs money, it is time, physical effort and thought spent on the other person, knowing that they would appreciate it, especially if it is a challenge for us. That says: "I love you."

3. Gift-Giving

A way to appreciate somebody on birthdays and at other events, and also at other times as a surprise, just to say: "I love you." "I thought of you." "I missed you."

4. Quality Time

Spending time listening, sharing, teaching, reading to each other, trips, movies, games, you name it. Even among all the options we have, we need to find out what kind of activity the other likes best, so one feels actually loved.

5. Healthy (physical) Touch or Closeness

• Holding hands, putting your arm around someone
• Hugging
• Standing close and having loving eye contact as you touch one arm
• Sitting in one room even if you do different activities
• Breathing together in silence

Do you know your family members love language? Try the following exercise for a delightful surprise to see if you and your family are loving each other the best you can! Within each group, rate the sentences 1 to 5 according to what would make you feel most appreciated and loved by your spouse or children. The number 5 represents what you most appreciate; number 1 represents what you least like. Answer as best you can and identify your family members. Have fun!

A___ Your spouse/child says, "You really did a great job on that.

1. _____________________
2. _____________________
3. _____________________

_____________________



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