The Words of the Vera Family

I Can Trust Abel

Jelean Vera
November 1998

I always thought that I could never find a personality that would conflict with mine. "It's easy to avoid it," I thought, "Just love everyone." Boy, was I wrong.

In today's society, there is family breakdown just like there are diseases. We might as well call this breakdown a disease because it seems to have spread all over the world. My own family suffers from this disease and faces the consequences.

Like my sisters, I find it hard to trust even the ones that I love and who deserve it the most. I also have an uncontrollable arrogance problem. I get annoyed when someone corrects me, because I think I know everything. For the most part, I've spent most of my life figuring things out on my own, and I often feel that people are intruding when they judge my skills. I feel that I've had to hold a mother-figure position in my family since I was young. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to.

However, I'm not saying that I was a good mother-figure. I struggled a lot to get by without thinking of ending my physical life. Fortunately, God lead me to the Unification Principle. Then, before I could totally digest all of it, I found myself in a van with four brothers and sun-catchers on our way to New Mexico.

Eric Hal Abshere, known as "Piper", was my team captain. To me, "team captain" meant a position with the responsibility of making the team members grow, which usually involves struggle! I guess I derived this concept from Piper, when he said, "I'm not here for you to like, I'm here for you to struggle with!"

Sure enough, I got to experience some challenges during our two-week fund-raising condition. It sort of crawled its way into the team towards the end of the condition. I thought I was already struggling to the limit, when Piper scolded us for not investing enough internally because our external results were so low. As usual, I got irritated. I believed that I was giving all that I had, but this guy just decided that it was not good enough!

"Besides," I thought, "aren't internal goals more important than external goals?" He explained that we need to focus on our internal goals, but our external result often reflects this. Sometimes he said things that made us want to point out his faults. As tempting as it was, the brothers were usually able to hold their tongues. However, there was no real unity in our team. There was a lot of criticism and misunderstandings. As a result, my criticizing thoughts turned into fear; fear of confronting people when fundraising. This occurred on the last day of the condition.

My internal goal was to invest wholeheartedly. As a team, we had to "cut the dove" on this last day. During the first three runs, I could feet True Father's heart through small hardships, but Satan didn't begin the real battle until blitzing time.

Piper dropped me off in this crazy plaza where a Halloween event was taking place. There was a crowd of people in every store -- a dream for any fundraiser, except for me. I hesitated to go into the first restaurant I saw, but I dragged my body inside and went directly to the biggest party. Needless to say, I'm sure they read the fear in my eyes and rejected me on the spot. After that, I seemed to have accidentally opened the passageway for Satan to invade me. All of a sudden, I couldn't think clearly. I observed all the crowds that filled every comer and imagined how many rejections I would receive. If I opened my heart to everyone there, I would have to bear that many broken hearts. That's a lot of pain for one run. I couldn't push myself to approach a single customer. I sat on the curb for the rest of the run, dwelling in my fear. Wanting to cry, I felt isolated from God's realm.

After I reported to Piper, he told me that Danichi had had the same problem. Earlier, Danichi was also doing externally really well, but Satan was trying to keep both of us from "cutting the dove". I didn't realize this until Piper told me. Piper continuously supported Danichi and I. He had the exact medicine that I needed. Slowly, I started to recover from my internal illness. We made our external goal at three in the morning. We persevered to the end, we "cut the dove".

Looking back now, I feel Abel-figures hold the hardest job. They are in the position to be a role models. Therefore, their every move is observed and often criticized. If they can break through in their position, they deserve all my respect and my trust.

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