The Words of the Saver Family
G'Day Brothers And Sisters!
Yesterday I read the words from a woman who had 12 children and 25 grandchildren. She said to her son: "children school their parents".
Now before you label these words and the title of this post as heresy, consider True Father who tells us that we all have three Messiahs, namely: the Lord of The Second Advent, your spouse and your children. The obvious implication is that we are supposed to learn from our children and be an object to our children. If this sounds too radical, consider the question: "can you learn from a messiah if you insist on being subject in the process of learning"? I don't think this is just referring to such things as computer skills or learning about the latest technological gadgetry.
Consider too the Divine Principle teaching that a key part of our fulfilling our life purpose is for each of us to establish the family "Four Position Foundation". Question: "When is the family four position foundation realized?"
Answer from page 25 of "Exposition Of The Divine Principle": "When through origin-division-union action, the origin, the subject partner and object partner projected from the origin, and their union all fulfill the three object purpose, the four position foundation is realized".
To understand this, let's break it down as it relates to the family 4 position foundation. The "origin" is God. The "subject" is the father. The "object" is the mother. The "union" is the child.
What then is the "three object purpose?" Answer (again from page 25): When each of the four [in the case of the family 4 position foundation: God, father, mother, child] then acts as the subject partner and enters into give and take with the other three revolving around it, they fulfill the three object purpose"
This is why it is perfectly acceptable and beautiful when a father comes home tired, having worked hard all day, to be greeted by his fifteen year old daughter who pushes her father into an arm chair and orders him to stay there and rest while she tells her mother that she is going to prepare dinner.
Likewise it is perfectly acceptable and beautiful when the mother speaks up to the father and tells him in no uncertain terms when he needs to put his work aside and make for more quality and quantity time with her and the children.
Having said that, if a teenager is pushing the limits of acceptable/safe behavior, a parent needs to step up and meet that challenge. Recently my wife and I were unhappy with our 21 year old daughter who was coming home very late after being out with her friends. So we established an agreement with her that by 11 PM at the latest, she is making her way home. Now she is always home before midnight and grateful for the boundary set.
Back to the Divine Principle analysis. What the explanation above is saying is that until each of the four positions (including the child) in the family practices a subject role, a family 4 position foundation is not established. Therefore you don't establish a family in the true sense by a man and woman getting blessed (holy marriage) and having children per se. A family is relationships. It is dynamic not static.
Personally I grew up in a 'Christian' home where as they say "children are seen but not heard". My brothers and sisters and I never dared to speak our minds to our father if it contradicted his views. Like wise my mother was totally subservient to her husband where she also often could not really express her real feelings. Amazingly our family physically stayed together but unfortunately, much emotional damage is still felt today.
Based on True Father's words about three messiahs and the Divine Principle explanation outlined above, when the parent adopts a coaching role as a way of parenting their teen (I am talking about children aged thirteen and older) they are giving permission and encouragement to their teen/adult child to truly take responsibility for their lives. and become owners. This must include decision making power. This does not mean that family rules are out. The truth is that research shows and it is my own experience, that when you as the parent do this, it will cause your teen/adult child to develop a new found respect for you the parent.