The Words of the Santos Family
Reflection on Captain Training Experience
March 17, 2006
I want to thank Heavenly Father, my leaders, brothers and sisters for the experience in the Captain Training.
During this training I faced several challenges. One was the fear to be judged by my Central Figures and other members, the fear to see my own reality and the fear of having to change my mission.
I didn't feel qualified to be a Captain. Because of this I went through many different feelings towards my mission. I started to develop resentment towards my Central Figures.
At the same time many of my friends in Latin America left STF and CARP to take care of their own lives. In this situation I lost reasons to stay in America. I wondered why I needed to continue this training when the people I trusted didn't seem to value it anymore.
During my prayers I asked God many times why I needed to go this way. I tried to see the situation from God's viewpoint and understand why my Central Figures gave me these challenges. I always asked what God wanted me to learn from my experiences. I started to seek for God's Word for help.
As a result of these prayers and through the guidance I received from God's Word, Morning Services and previous Workshops, I could digest my experiences better and I could overcome the feelings I had towards my Central Figures. Also I could find my real motivation to keep going. Many times I felt that my motivation was based on my relationship to my friends in Latin America and on my own pride. I wanted to show that I am capable and that I have the ability to become a captain.
I had a desire to bring joy to God and True Parents but it wasn't my primary motivation.
But during the last months Heavenly Father gave me many situations to develop my real motivation.
I lost my passport and because of that I wasn't able to participate in the driving training to get my drivers license. That made it very difficult for me to become a captain in America. At the same time I couldn't break through in fundraising and I wondered how I could become a captain if I couldn't bring victory myself.
I could find help through one Morning Service. It was about 'Life of Clarity'. It said 'The Purpose of our life never changes no matter how the things around us might change.' Or 'The goal of our life is to grow our heart'.
I was so afraid of the changes in my mission that I couldn't see how God tried to help me to grow my heart for the people. Many times I just thought about my own pride and situation. I thought that my value came from my mission. I even felt like complaining to God because I had invested so much in the past that I wanted to receive something in return. I couldn't be grateful. God gave me so much, like knowing True Parents more deeply; to be part of STF together with the Second Generation, to come to America, my family and my friends. What more could I ask Heavenly Father for?
Now I don't need to worry any more about my mission because I know that my real mission is to grow my heart and to love the people from God's viewpoint.
Now I repent for my lack of commitment to the Captain Training because I always felt, that something was missing. This feeling came from my original mind that knew that I didn't give 100% effort. Also I regret that I couldn't grow my heart towards my brothers and sisters enough because I was always thinking of myself.
The lesson I learned, was that it is God's desire for me to grow my heart to love others. The goal is not to be a leader and to be a leader is not about position, a leader is not the person who has ability but the person who can love others more than himself. Another lesson I learned was that I always need to look at the situation of God, True Parents and Jesus before I look at my own situation.
My determination now is to grow my heart and to recognize the efforts of other people. I want to find guidance through God's word and seek to constantly improve myself. Before, I wanted to be a leader for God and True Parents. Now I want to become an object to them.
Thank you very much!
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