The Words of the Moffitt Family
Making Your Woman Happy
Larry R. Moffitt
September 14, 2003
It was the summer of '79 and our band, Sunburst, was fundraising with Zoomers and carnations. A Zoomer is a flat lump of chocolate with peanuts, sometimes called a turtle because it resembles a turtle to people who've never seen one. You know what a carnation is.
The twelve of us found it worked easier for everyone if we selected one person each day to be "the indemnity man," someone who could do all the suffering for the entire team. The designated person would pay up-front for the group, all the dues owed to the universe, so everyone else could coast through the day making record totals.
Today it was my turn to shoulder the cross and my product was live wasps. Live angry wasps. There was no container, so I had to carry them in my cupped bare hands. That's okay, that was part of the indemnity.
Being the indemnity man also meant working scrub areas nobody else wanted. They dropped me off at the foot of K2 on the Karakoram Highway on the Pakistan side of the Himalayas. Frank Grow, our team leader said there's a holy man up there on a ledge just a few hundred feet above...those clouds. He smiled and wished me unspeakable suffering followed by a painful death - the traditional farewell benediction given to the indemnity man - and said by the way, I understand the holy man is happy to entertain a question from pilgrims who make it all the way to his cave.
So I climbed, being careful to keep the wasps trapped inside my two hands without squashing them. Their stingers were working overtime on my palms and I was screaming my head off the whole way. After many hours I crawled over the edge of the uppermost ledge, exhausted, my hands swollen to double their normal size. The holy man sat cross-legged in front of me, at the entrance to a small cave. He said, "Welcome, my son. Do you have a question for me?"
I said, "Yes I do. I was recently engaged to a wonderful lady. What must a man do to make a woman happy?"
"My son," he said, "You must caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, cuddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, show equality for, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, shower, shave, trust, grovel, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, alleviate, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle crab-like along the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again."
I thanked him gratefully, sold him three for five, and climbed back down to wait for the van.
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