The Words of the Gullery Family |
Dear Debby,
I was matched for a year and it didn't work. Our parents matched us within a week of meeting each other. We just never clicked. My match even avoided spending time with me and seemed embarrassed to be seen with me. Now I have to start over. I feel some resentment and mostly a big empty hole inside. My parents want to start looking for a match right away. I would like to have this emptiness go away and have a special someone to share life with but a little voice is telling me that it might not be a good idea yet. I just saw the Family Matching Handbook. The guidance it offers is very different now. What do you think my parents and I should do?
Empty and Confused
Dear Empty and Confused,
Thank you for your letter. There's a lot in it and I'm not sure I can address all of it in one answer. I'd like to start, however, with the big, empty hole you feel. I'm so sorry that your first matching situation did not work out. It will take some time to heal and prepare yourself to start the process anew. As a good rule of thumb, I recommend waiting three months for every one month you were involved in the matching process. You may need less or more time, depending on your unique situation.
In your letter, you mentioned reading the new Matching Handbook. I'm so glad! For those readers who aren't yet familiar with it, it is a practical, how-to manual for both parents and their young adult children. It has not been officially printed yet, but was given out in draft form at our last Parents' Matching Convocation. It incorporates the new guidelines we received from our HSA-UWC International President, Reverend Hyung Jin Moon, as well as practical wisdom from our Senior Pastor, Reverend In Jin Moon. In addition, we included ideas and suggestions that we have learned from both successful and unsuccessful matches and Blessings in the past. The Matching Handbook will be available for everyone very soon.
One recommendation we make is that even before the actual matching process begins, each family should get together to create their own Family Matching Plan. This requires patience, honesty, and good listening skills. Some of the topics that could be important to discuss and decide upon include how little or how much input you will each have in choosing a potential match, your openness to an international matching, and any age or nationality specifications.
Another area that should be discussed is deal-breakers -- or things that, for you, cannot be negotiated. Types of things that people have decided were deal-breakers for them in the past have been alcohol or drug use and faith and purity issues. Deal-breakers will naturally be different for each person, but they should always be respected when expressed.
After your family has developed its own matching plan, and you are sufficiently healed from the previous experience, then it's time to look internally. Ask yourself the hard questions: Am I able to commit to another person? Am I able to put the needs of another before my own? Have I practiced doing this or is it just conceptual? Do I know where I stand in terms of my faith? Do I trust my parents? Do I trust True Parents? Do I have at least the beginnings of a relationship with God? How are my communication skills? How well do I deal with anger and disappointment?
Think about the kind of people you get along with, and try to figure out why. Notice when you feel comfortable and when you don't. Take time to get to know yourself better. Where you are at is a huge part of making any relationship successful.
So, if there is a hole, make effort to fill it up before entering into the matching process. Pray, meditate, study, read, go to church, hang out with good friends, and volunteer. Focus on your internal growth and development.
Spend quality time with your parents. After all, they need to know and understand you in order to find you a good match! Remember, we are all still learning. If there is a serious problem or if you feel your family could really use some help, the National Blessed Family Department is now training Matching Advisors who can assist families in getting through the process successfully.
The most important thing is your emotional and spiritual health. So make effort in that area and remember that your Heavenly Parent wants you to be happy, and chances are, He will be working with you all the way!
Good luck to you and your family and God bless!
Debby