The Words of the Cloarec Family |
Reflection of STF Europe year 2002-2003
Maria Cloarec
September 2003
Few months after the Blessing Workshop 2001 in England I could fundraise a little bit in London with STF-Europe and I heard God’s call for me to come to STF-Europe! When I finally decided for good that I would do STF-Europe I felt so attacked spiritually. For the first time of my life I started doubting that I would be able to do anything good for others. Looking back on that time, I feel so much pain in my heart for my family who had to endure my constant downs! I never looked happy to be at home and when they were trying to help me I was just rejecting them. Not because I didn’t like them, but I was so disgusted by myself that I didn’t want them to see me like that. I just wanted to hide in any dark place where no one would see me. I didn’t want my brothers to become like me, I really wanted to become a good example, I wanted my parents to be proud of me, but I had no solutions and I couldn’t find any way out of my depression. In my mind I made the determination that if I would do a year of public service it wouldn’t be to escape from home or from my responsibilities. But I would do that only with the attitude of wanting to know more about our movement, what my parents had done in the past and also to rebuild my connection with God that I had lost! And it’s with this attitude and determination that my choice was made to do STF-Europe!
But before STF-Europe started I got kicked out of the European Senior HARP Workshop in Switzerland by Geros. I felt that it was so unfair ... After that I had two choices: either quitting the church or giving it another chance by still going to STF-Europe. I swallowed my pride and chose to do STF-Europe anyways. But my heart was so full of resentment against the whole leadership and especially towards Geros!
That’s how I came to Schmitten for the kick-off workshop! But even though my attitude was so bad, I really felt at that time God’s support and love. And in that difficult time He really helped me to go the right path! The kick-off workshop was a living hell for me. I just hated everything so much, I was so negative and nobody could explain to me what I couldn’t understand! I was sometimes asking the lecturer, but no answer was satisfying enough for me. I felt so misunderstood. But on the other hand I tried to persevere for the sake and the love of my family, who trusted me so much! Something that also melted my heart was the love that Pavla and Rita were giving me.
Fundraising came, I was sent to Switzerland. During the kick-off workshop I had long waited for this moment. I was lucky to be sent to Lausanne and Geneva, because I was fundraising in those cities with Tifony just before STF-Europe started. I have always been fundraising with the help of spirit world and God, and I have always been loving the people, but STF-Europe taught me perseverance. I broke through externally and internally the first day of fundraising in Switzerland! I was going to each single door with God and that was an amazing experience! The next day my internal and external goals were to bring back 36 people to God by giving them the chance to buy a wind chime. And on that day I could really feel for the first time God’s sorrow and desperate heart for the people! Switzerland was just so perfect and special for me! I really felt at home, in my element to fundraise!
After Disneyland, when our team and Rita’s team went fundraising in France I struggled a lot. I could really feel the deep resentment of my ancestors towards France! But on the last day I broke through in France, and I guess that it was a good foundation for the fundraising afterwards back in Geneva!
For the second fundraising condition my internal goal was to unite with the leadership, which was a real challenge for me, and my external goal was to break the 1000 Swiss Franks barrier. I struggled a lot with my internal goal during that condition and I almost lost faith in my external goal. I also struggled a lot heartistically with my team leader. And just the day before the last Saturday she told me that I was not going anymore to the French Christmas Workshop! I can’t explain the whole background of it, but for me that was devastating news. But in my heart I just decided to unite no matter how hard it would be. Already in the afternoon, after talking to Robo, our driver, I had a revelation that I should be serious and concentrate, because the next day I had to do something important for God, I had to break the 1000. And the voice also told me, that I was not going anymore to the workshop! My team leader just confirmed the revelation. So, I asked her to give me a whole day drop-off on that Saturday. She was a bit surprised but she did it. And I broke the 1000 on that day! It was just so prepared and special. All I did during this day was just for God! I felt that I was just his instrument to do his will, and it was good to work for God! I made - with the support of spiritual world - exactly 1200 Swiss Franks! I am really grateful to God for that day. I knew that it was God’s victory!
The third condition was a big spiritual challenge. Actually the challenge started on the day when I broke through in Switzerland. Just before the pick-up I got lost with Jatoma, and we were going to that house to make a phone call. This woman came out of nowhere and was menacing us with her fist. I don’t know why but that was so scary for me! And there started the spiritual attacks. At the Cleeve House (in January) it was a nightmare for me. But then it got better in Wales (in February)! Actually, before STF-Europe I had a dream, where I was in a castle and I was talking to Satan. He told me, "You have to choose between your two fathers". And in Wales I heard those two voices constantly arguing in my head and they were basically arguing whether God is existing, yes or no. And also about fundraising! That was really hard and disturbing. Stefan Kaiser, the commander, came over for sharing. Then I could ask all my questions and worries about the church, and he gave me exactly the answers I needed! During that time, in England, when I had all those horrible visions, I had to find ways to connect back to God and I really needed to ask myself if I would believe True Father or not for what He is doing. And in Wales it was clear that in my life I had to choose either to follow God or Satan but I couldn’t compromise anymore. So afterwards, until the end of the condition, during fundraising all my thoughts were totally with God and the mission. I was trying to talk to Him the whole time and offer all my investment, no matter how difficult it was externally.
It’s strange because from the crusher in Switzerland I became the worst in Wales. But that was such a good experience!! Because although I think I really properly loved the people in Switzerland I could even learn more how to love and how to invest unconditionally in Wales. I have so good memories from our welsh, musical team! And also I had really good experiences in Wales, where probably my ancestors lived.
The witnessing time in Slovakia was a life changing experience for me. But I had to push myself to grow by training my body to follow my mind. And also I had to overcome two big challenges: being able to stand people 24/7, as I like loneliness most of the time, and overcoming my depressive nature by learning to be always positive and never complaining. I think that the second one was way much more difficult than the first one. I can say that I finally succeeded with the first one after two months of intense struggles and a lot of tears and wandering in the fog. I am so glad for that! Because I am now internally strong and stable. The second one, well, I’ll need more time, but I’m on the way!
After 4 months witnessing I still don’t have the feeling that I know how to witness at all, although I did witnessing. But I was and I am still too immature spiritually to fulfill properly such a serious mission. Unfortunately God has nobody else than us.
I am grateful to Chung Hee, who took so well care of us, the girls team. I know that he suffered a lot from our stupidities and immaturity. But he gave so much love in return that I could inherit so much from his foundation and faith. I can say that I learned the most through my "Papa Chung"!
If in Cleeve House I had my best prayers, it is in Slovakia that I discovered the real value of Hoon Dok Hae! And I don’t want to forget it!
In Banska Bystrica there’s so much persecution that my main occupation was to defend True Father and the True Family. But to do that I had to learn more about them. At least I could totally connect with True Father by the end of witnessing! In Slovakia I joined the church! And I became a Moonie like my parents!
I have three serious guests that I got by the end of the witnessing time. Two of them know about True Father. But there is still a long road to go for them! It’s nice to have this parental heart for someone! I hope I can still grow to help them to go back to God!!
In Korea I had a very good experience in Chung Pyung. I will definitely go there for 40 days before my blessing! I also appreciated a lot Hyun Jin Nim’s speeches! I do respect him! What he says makes sense. Most importantly, I could feel his heart behind his words. He is a good person! And he is right! I like his phrase "being a leader of leaders". Sounds good to me!
I was sent to Iceland after Korea and, sincerely, that was Paradise! I really enjoyed being in the brothers’ team! As much as a sisters’ team can be hell, a brothers’ team is heaven! Nothing is complicated; everything is good, simple, quick! That was a very good experience to be with only Matthew Huish, Matthew Jubb and Bruno as a driver! My standard rose so much, and internally I gained a lot. I could really invest internally and build such a good relationship with God! Matthew Huish was a good team leader. And I could learn a lot from both Matthews’ morning services!
I also got really sick during this condition. And I fundraised with 40°C fever and that was such a good experience, because I had to overcome so much my body, I had to push my body so hard that I spiritually became more open. I had the impression that I was fundraising with (the restored) Lucifer and he taught me a lot about internal attitude, repentance and determination. Then he left me with a very good angel, that I already knew from before, and I did everything the angel asked me to do! That was really absolute obedience, but not only that, he took so much care of me! Asking me all the time how I was and if I was ready to continue. And in an hour and a half I restored 200 €! But I really didn’t care about the money! If you ask me if I loved these people I can really say with confidence that I did really love them! Oh my God, that was such a wonderful experience! Iceland really brought me so much! And there, especially when I was sick with a lot of fever, I had so deep internal realizations! And I put them into practice afterwards! Oh, I am so grateful I could go there! I could also connect to True Parents a lot during those 12 days! And that’s the first time in my life I could do that!
Then, the Settlement Age workshop was another blessing! I am really grateful that I could go there!! Especially because there was my brother and he really gave me so much love the whole time! Also, I became team leader for the second time in my life. I really didn’t expect that. I really had a wonderful team! I had so much to give and receive; I think I was ready for that task. I am very happy because I could handle physically the workshop without so many difficulties! And also I gained so much internally from the lectures! That was precious!
Not only that, I think that during Hoon Hwi Joo’s lectures again I heard a voice saying, "Second year of STF-Europe – now there is also a way for you open." Then I asked God seriously for the first time if I should do a second year of STF-Europe or not. That was really strange, because suddenly it became serious that I should really do a second year of STF-Europe. Plans had changed! After a week I asked God seriously to give me a quick answer, because I had to tell my parents about it. And then again, the same voice said, "tomorrow go at 4:00 pm to the Holy Ground! Someone will be waiting for you." I almost forgot about it the next day, but still at 4:00 pm I went to the Holy Ground. Usually there is nobody at that time, because everybody is in the lectures. But who arrived there at the same time as me? Geros! It had been one year I absolutely didn’t talk to him, I didn’t attend any of his lectures and I didn’t even look at him when he was passing by. And he was the one, who was supposed to give me the answer if I should do a second year, yes or no! And again the same voice said," Now is the time for reconciliations." So, I went to Geros and asked him for his advice about the second year. Actually he gave me the answer, but I misunderstood it the first time he said it. I understood that it was God’s will to go back home, but while praying more about it and talking again to Geros it became clear, that I should go for the 7 year course and do a second year. I called my parents and they said they were proud of me and would support me! But after I would have to be really determined to study!
I feel it is God’s will for me to do a second year. God blessed me by allowing me to be accepted in one of the best Law Universities of Montreal. And that really gave me back all the self-esteem that I had lost during the witnessing time! But it’s even better if I can sacrifice my own well-being and offer something greater to God! I also want to consolidate my foundation that just got strong in the last two months! And I don’t want to loose it by going back home too early! I never want to loose God again!! This decision is a big sacrifice for my family, and I am aware of it! I am so sorry for that!! This was a difficult choice for me, but this is True Parents’ way, and this is the only way in which I can make a strong enough foundation for my brothers and sisters! I also want to pay indemnity for the past mistakes of my ancestors and protect spiritually my family by doing public mission! In that way I also feel that God can be proud of me! Now I know that my life in the future will be difficult externally, but that’s the price the first generations have to pay for their children to live in a better world! God’s way is not the easiest, but it’s the best! So, W.T.F.
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