True Mother's Life
Wife of the Messiah
By Linna Rapkins
Hak Ja Han's life, had completely changed overnight. One day she was quietly studying in Chun Chon; a month later, she was married to Father. Now, everyone watched her to see if she would be a good wife and mother. Deep in her heart, she knew God had prepared her for this mission. He had already taught her to deal with loneliness, to work hard, to persevere, and to keep herself pure and centered on God. She had also learned to love God's wondrous creation.
On the other hand, nothing could have prepared her for this new life. She was on her own. Her mother was not allowed to visit her. Her husband was always with the church members or on the mountain praying or in his little room praying. His closest disciples were always around. She lived in a separate building, and once in a while Father would visit.
Although no one said anything to her personally, she could feel jealousy from some of the women. She could feel eyes watching her, ready to criticize her if she failed. Not only did she feel rejected by many members, she also felt rejected by Father. He never discussed things with her or chatted or shared his feelings with her. He didn't ask her opinion on anything. He didn't ask her how she was. Sometimes he would be warm and kind; the next day, he would be cold and tyrannical. In fact, he treated her more like a servant than a wife. Whenever Father gave a lecture, she was expected to be there, but she had to enter by the back door and sit in the rear of the room. She shed many tears.
By early summer, she learned that she was going to have a baby. As the scorching heat invaded all corners of Korea, she hid her feelings of nausea and stayed active.
The food at that time was better than in the earlier days, but they still ate barley instead of rice most of the time. Every Korean knows that only very poor people ate barley, yet rice was too expensive for the church members. Father insisted that they both should eat barley just like everyone else.
Whenever Father traveled around in the jeep to visit the members in other towns and in the countryside, she went along. Korean summers are always very, very hot and bouncing around in a dusty jeep with the wind in her face made it unbearable. The wind tried to blow through the lace sleeves of her Korean dresses, but there was no relief from the humidity. Many days, she was so very, very tired, but Father never asked her if she would like to rest. Instead, he was more likely to tell her to walk faster or come along to another meeting.
Oh, how she missed her mother! If only she could go to her and cry and rest. She was constantly tired. And always, she felt overwhelming loneliness. Even the flowers of Cheju Island would have made her feel less lonely at that point. At least on that island, where she had experienced loneliness so many years ago, there weren't hundreds of eyes watching her all the time.
By and by, after the cold winds of winter blew in from the North, the time came for the birth of their first child. They called the doctor- Shin Wook Kim (today we call her Lady Dr. Kim). The women who came to help realized what an important day it was. As they scurried about preparing for the blessed event, they started singing joyfully, making up the song as they sang, "The prince is come! The prince is come! Hallelujah, the prince is come at last!"
That day, December 11, 1960 (by the lunar calendar), the baby was born. It was a girl, a little princess! Her name was Ye Jin. But was Mother congratulated? Probably not much, for the members were expecting a boy. They were shocked that a girl was born first.
"You see?" some of them said. "She can't even produce a boy. She's failed."
After the first year of marriage, almost all of True Mother's time was centered on having babies, nursing babies, and taking care of babies and little children. She still traveled with Father as much as she could, but many times she had to stay home. Mrs. Choi helped her with little Ye Jin-nim.
Two years after Ye Jin-nim was born, on December 3, 1962, a second baby was born in the same room. This time it was the son everyone was awaiting-and his name was Hyo Jin. Mrs. Eu was asked to help care for him.
Two and one-half years later, a third child was born-a baby girl, In Jin. And just one year and three months later, the fourth child was born-a second son, Heung Jin. By this time, Ye Jin-nim was almost six years old; Hyo Jin-nim was almost four; and In Jin-nim was a one-year old. When the 7-year period ended, Mother had given birth to four children and was already pregnant with the fifth, a daughter, to be named Un Jin.
After the first three years of marriage, Mother moved into Father's room in the Chung Pa Dong church. Now she wouldn't have to be alone so much. However, she soon realized that she had only traded the old problems for a new set of problems. Father and Mother had one small room of their own. All they had to do was close the sliding door to have peace and quiet. Right? Unfortunately, it was not that simple. For one thing, the walls were so thin, you could hear everything in the rooms even when the doors were closed. Secondly, there were always people in the room talking to Father until midnight, one o'clock, two o'clock in the morning and even later. Night after night, Mother's body would be crying out for rest, but she couldn't pull out her mat and lie down on the floor when people were still in the room.
"What can I do?" she thought. "I must get some sleep. But these meetings are so important, I don't want to disturb them."
Then she had an idea.
"The bathroom!" she thought. "No one will be in the bathroom at this hour." So she went to the bathroom, sat down on the cold floor, leaned against the wall, and soon fell asleep with exhaustion. Only when everyone had gone for the night and Father had finished his prayers could she finally return to their room to sleep properly.
After only two or three hours of sleep, however, Father would bolt awake and call for Mrs. Choi or Mr. Eu. He was already thinking of the problems of the world. Sleep was finished for that night! Within a few minutes, Mother had to be up and presentable because that was about how long it took for Mrs. Choi or Mr. Eu to come when they were called. Mr. and Mrs. Eu slept in the room next to True Parents and Mrs. Choi often slept in the living room. Many times, they slept in their clothes so they could go to Father quickly when he called. Mother had to be even swifter to rise than they were.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Hong was having dreams. Night after night, it was the same dream. Her daughter would come running up to her. She was in her nightgown. and her hair was flowing free in the wind. Mrs. Hong could see that she was very, very tired, and her eyes were red from crying. She would just collapse in her mother's arms and cry, "Oh, I'm so tired and sleepy!" When Mrs. Hong awoke, however, she was not allowed to go to her daughter to comfort her. She could only relive her dream in silence and cry in silence.
There were days when Mother thought she couldn't continue. "Everyone thinks I should already be perfect," she said to herself. "But, of course, I'm not. The standard for being True Mother is too high! It's almost impossible to achieve!"
While she was going through this seven-year course, no one explained to Mother why she was being treated in such a terrible way. No one told her, "You see, Father is making you suffer on purpose. There's a reason." No one said, "It won't be like this forever. Just hold on for seven years, and then things will be better." No one explained, "You have to start out from the very bottom, as a servant, before you can go to the top as True Mother."
No. She was told nothing. She just had to endure. If she cried, she cried in the privacy of her room. And never was she allowed to complain.
The first three years, it was her struggle alone. The last four years, not only did Mother suffer, but the four children suffered, as well. They all lived together in their small apartment in the church. As toddlers and preschoolers, the children wanted to run about and shout and play and have fun, the way all children do. But always they were told, "Shhhh! Father is teaching. . . Be quiet! Father is praying." And always, the adults were watching to see if they were good children.
After a few years, an improvement came about. A house was bought next door to the church where their family could live. The first thing they did, however, was build a passageway directly from the house to the church, so there still wasn't a lot of privacy. But at least now the children had a little more space, and they didn't have to stay so quiet all the time.
As these years went by, there were some good moments for Mother, too. For one thing, Mrs. Choi loved her and took such good care of her that soon she seemed like her real mother. True Mother felt comforted to be with her.
The most wonderful part was that Heavenly Father never forgot her, and He often came close to encourage her. She learned that when one goes through hardships, Heavenly Father comes closest. He can't resist. Heavenly Father is very drawn to lonely and suffering hearts, because His own heart has been so lonely and suffering for so very long.
Also, despite the complaints of some members, there were many other people who were very kind to her and really tried to help. In this way, she learned how to experience both hardships and joy, rejection and love.
On December 31, 1967, True Mother's first seven-year course came to an end. Father had treated her like a servant. He had treated her like a child. He had treated her like a younger sister. Through all these trials, she had totally sacrificed herself. She had given her total obedience; she had given her total love to him. She didn't let herself get discouraged and give up. She was completely obedient. And above all, she had never complained! She had grown to the point where she could be True Mother.
One day, Father prayed in front of everyone, "Dear Heavenly Father, please look at your beautiful daughter. She has succeeded. She suffered for seven years, but she is victorious. Please bless her now." Tears streamed down his face as he prayed, for it had hurt him terribly to make her suffer for seven years in order to properly raise her up. He'd had to be like the strictest of teachers, the strictest of fathers in order to make sure that this very young and inexperienced woman grew properly in her training, step by step. No one had realized how much pain he had felt in his own heart during that time.
The very next day, January 1, 1968, Father announced the first God's Day. Not many people had understood the importance of True Mother's role in the creation of God's Day. After that, many people repented for the way they had treated Mother.
"We are sorry we complained about her," they cried. "We can see that she is, indeed, our True Mother. We can see that she is the only bride for Father. And we can also see that Mrs. Hong must be respected. This is truly the central family of Heaven."
Mother remained quiet, pondering these things in her heart, and bearing no ill will towards anyone.
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