Reply:
Hello Dear,
It looks to me that your son is desperate for
attention, and he will go to extremes in behavior to get it … even if
it means a spanking or getting a negative response from his dad.
Raising one child is not an easy task for anyone and requires great
patience, but raising more than one, requires more than just great
patience and love, it requires skills that most of us do not have by
the time we reach the age of parenthood. If the Fall had not occurred
these skills will have been passed down from generation to
generation. Then in the Ideal World of today there would also
likely be plenty of great family and community support to help raise
high-spirited strong children.
Special note: In
ordert o eliminate some physical health issues with your child, one
thing you will have to do -- if you have not done it yet -- is to speak
to your pediatrician. Your pediatrician should help clear up or
eliminate any health related issues, and also he or she could direct
you to a professional counselor (if needed) to help you with your
child’s behavior.
First things first; in order for you to
solve the problem with your son, you must solve the problem between you
and your husband. Both of you need to make a plan on how to raise your
children. Raising children is team work, not just one parent over the
other. You are both upset with your son’s behavior, both frustrated
because you do not know how to handle his young personality, and it
would be natural if you both felt inadequate to the task.
I
would suggest that you two take time with each other to reset your
goals on how to raise your family. Take into consideration your
finances, your social activities, and religious commitments. All play a
part on the guidelines that you are setting for your children. The
ultimate goal is for your children to become better people than
yourselves and continue in the path that you started when you became a
follower of our True Parents.
Your struggle is not unique, it is
multiplied by millions in the fallen world and also it is found in many
of our own blessed families. Do not put yourselves in a weak position
by beating yourselves up, just look up to the finish line and know that
you will get there as long as you do it together with God at the center
of your being a family.
Now for practical points of advice:
- Get
your hands on good books that relate to your family problems, and read
them. The following link:
http://www.blessedfamilies.org/bfa/index.php?p=parenting will list
several professional counselors and also some books. I have not read
them but I would expect, since there are listed on our Blessing Family
Department web site, that they are good materials.
- Do not
ever fight in front of your children. If you do not agree with one
another about anything -- anything at all, wait until you are alone
together to argue about it.
- Even though you may feel the need
for spanking, it should be done extremely sparingly, and lightly, just
as a reminder to the child that you are in charge and not him or her.
Done too frequently and it will lose its power of persuasion and could
work to your disadvantage if the child senses this may be the only way
to get the attention he seeks.
- As a side note:
Spanking is often a release mechanism for the parent but it sometimes
does not do anything more for the child than possibly accumulating
resentment.
- Your son deserves your love and attention and it
should be given to him in adequate amount. Just make sure you do
it. Sometimes it is easy to forget, especially when you have a 9
month old who is asking for the same thing. Your son should have
personal time with you and your husband, without the little sister
around. Even though you do not like to use a babysitter, you may want
to do it once a month -- or even more often than that -- and take your
son to the movie or MacDonald’s or a pizza, and all by himself without
his sister tagging along.
- If all else fails, I believe that
both of you need to see a good, professional, family counselor. There
is no shame whatsoever in doing so and there is too much at risk to not
do whatever it may take to set things straight. Remember, you are not
just raising a family, you are restoring one.
That is all for now, please keep me posted if you wish,
Take care, both of you,
Anne-Marie
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